All I Wanted Was You

Nine

Hayley's POV 

I walked away from him slowly, disappointed and embarrassed. I had been wrong. There was nothing going on here. All I had done was arouse suspicion. Now he would be more careful around me... ugh. 

I turned right at the fork and headed for the door. The lockers covering the walls seemed to enclose me, the door seemed too far... I closed my eyes and shook my head quickly. I hoped I wasn't starting to develop agoraphobia or something.  

And then, a sound caught my attention. It sounded like a bag opening or something of the sort. It was probably just my imagination but... I couldn't help it. I turned back. Call me crazy, obsessed and paranoid, I wouldn't deny it. Or maybe I was just worried about my friend.  

When I reached the fork again, I leaned against the corner of the last locker, hiding behind it, and peeked at the empty hallway I had walked away from just a few minutes ago. Josh was still there, his locker still open. He was staring with a horrified expression at a piece of paper in his hand, and with the other hand... Oh my god, I had been right! He was eating. A lot. I had to admit, I sometimes choked junk food down like a pig too, but apparently this wasn't normal. In his case, it was some kind of disorder. Uhuh.  

I truly considered turning back around-yet again-but then I remembered something else I had learned somehow about bulimics. Ok, so they occasionally ate a lot, but I did that too. I didn't force myself to throw up afterwards though. And that was it. If Josh was really having some kind of bulimic attack, that meant the next step was... gross.  

No, I couldn't allow that to happen. 

I decided to stalk him a little more until he would finally stop eating. It took a while, since he didn't stop after one huge bag of chips and instead moved on to another. Wow, how could he gulp down so much?  

Finally, a look of guilt and despair crossed his face and he closed his locker abruptly, making me jump. I clasped my hands over my mouth to keep from yelping. Josh took off in the other direction then, and I waited a few seconds before tiptoeing my way after him. He had no clue I was there! The situation was actually pretty funny. 

I followed him all the way to the men's room. Well, from there it would be more of a challenge. But I couldn't back away now. It was gross, but I was so close! I peeked inside the washroom and saw Josh stare down into one of the toilets as if he was trying to communicate with it through telepathic means. He then leaned over it and brought his hand to his mouth. 

Oh my fricking god. I forgot all about my repulsion toward boys' washrooms and stormed in. "Stop!" I yelled. 

Josh's POV 

"Stop!" The yell made me jump so hard that my jaw clenched and I bit my fingers-you know, the ones I had shoved into my mouth. Somebody grabbed my disgusting hand and pulled it away, holding it tightly. "Josh, what are you doing?" she asked almost pleadingly. 

I froze. What the fuck was she doing here? I wanted to push her away, to yell at her. But I couldn't. I couldn't move. I was overwhelmed by a sudden and horrible feeling of guilt and disgust. Worse than what I had felt before. Worse than all I had felt in weeks. At first I didn't understand why I felt so awful, but then everything became clear. 

All this time, I had tried so hard to convince myself that what I was doing was ok. For months, I had pushed away the guilt by covering it with excuses. It's ok to be strange. It's ok to do something physically wrong since it's necessary if I don't wanna gain weight. It's ok to make myself sick. I had lied these lies to myself for so long. I had built up a careful routine to keep myself from thinking about what I was doing. Eat, throw up, eat, throw up. I had convinced myself it was ok.