Hey You Beautiful

Chapter I - Jessica

Jessica's hand shakes as she holds the black permanent marker in her hand. She's biting her lip hard--hard enough that she can taste the bitter taste of blood on her tongue--to hold back the tears, but it isn't working. Tears are flowing down from each eye evenly, as if they have come up with their own pattern.

She closes her eyes, dropping the black pen into her lap. Fear, depression, and anxiety have been eating away at her thoughts for the past few years now. Ever since her eight, backstabbing best friends told her she would no longer be a part of the thing she spent fifteen years of her life on.

Jessica thinks about the harsh, hurtful words that were uttered during that conversation. How they were acting calm, as if they weren't breaking her soul little by little within each letter. How she was screaming, yelling, crying...doing anything she could to beg them to let her stay.

It hurt her more than anything. Not only were her friends breaking her heart in their very hands, but they were doing it slowly, making sure she would feel the same pain to this day. And, as that was their mission, they accomplished it. In fact, they exceeded their original intentions. Jessica would continue feeling this pain until the day she died.

A few months after the incident, Jessica had thought everything would be okay. That her precious sister, Soojung, would make her forget about those 'friends'. Though Soojung was a big help to how Jessica felt about being alone, she could still not patch up the hole that was left by the other members.

It wasn't Soojung's fault, of course. Nothing would be able to patch up that hole.

Jessica had also considered her only friend left who she could actually love romantically, Tyler. She thought that maybe marriage--the thing she had dreamed of since she was a little girl--would help her feelings. But, after being married to Tyler for about eight years now, she realized he would never help either.

All of these things run through her head as she cries into her knees, holding onto her legs and staying curled up in a ball. She hears knocks on the door and abruptly darts her head up, looking towards the door.

Jessica quickly wipes her eyes, grabbing the pen and throwing it across the room. She sits on the bed, picking up her phone as she scoots back against the headboard. "Come in," she says, turning on her phone and focusing on it.

Tyler walks in with a wide smile, climbing onto the bed and sitting next to Jessica. Though he's smiling, Jessica can do nothing but focus on his forehead. Each day, he's balding more and more, and it's kind of embarrassing to be seen with a man who had barely any hair left on his head. Well, barely any real hair anyhow.

He throws his arm around her. "Hey, babe. I heard some crying, and I just wanted to come in here to make sure you were okay," Tyler says, caressing Jessica's cheek as he speaks.

Jessica cringes when she hears the word 'okay'. She hates that word. No. I'm not okay, she thinks to herself. I will never be okay. Thinking these sad, yet strangely comforting words, she fakes a smile.

"Couldn't be better," she says. It's not hard for her to say it anymore because she's said it so many times before. She continues, "I just stubbed my toe against the nightstand. You know it hurts like a bitch."

Tyler nods his head and begins talking about something that Jessica isn't really listening to. She's staring at the television's screen, which is empty and black. Like my heart, she thinks to herself.

She looks back at Tyler and tells him she's tired, which isn't entirely a lie. She is tired--tired of eating, tired of sleeping, tired of working, tired of breathing, tired of living.

Jessica wants nothing more than to grab a rope and hang herself. She knows she can't though. She knows that the moment she stops breathing from suicide, her fans, friends, family, and anybody else will wonder why. Nobody will ever know the truth.

Tyler smiles at her and bids her goodnight before turning off the light and leaving the room, to go do more work, Jessica supposes. She sighs deeply before staring at the ceiling, her eyes wide open.

Her phone begins vibrating against the nightstand it's laying on. She sits up and turns on the light to answer the call when she sees Soojung's picture on the screen. "Hello?" she asks into the phone.

She hears Soojung's bright laughter, which is probably one of the few things that actually keeps Jessica from becoming an anorexic. "Unnie! I didn't expect you to actually answer the call! I thought you'd be asleep by now, knowing the Sleeping Beauty you are," Soojung says.

Though you can't see through a phone, Jessica knew that her sister was definitely smiling as she said this. Jessica lets out a dramatic sigh. "Well, I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't, so I thought talking to you would bore me to sleep," Jessica replies in the fake, playful voice she always puts on when she's around Soojung.

Soojung scoffs. "Yah! Unnie, you're so mean. Anyhow, Sulli, Amber, and I wanted to have lunch with you tomorrow. Would you be interested in going?" Soojung asks with a hint of hope in her voice.

Jessica bites her lip. Tomorrow. Why can't the world just leave her alone so she can do nothing but long for death tomorrow?

"Sure," Jessica says. "Text me all the details tomorrow. I really don't feel well tonight. I'll see you tomorrow, Soojung-ah. I love you." Those three words--which she usually only said to Soojung--were probably the only true things Jessica said.

Soojung giggles cutely. "Okay, Unnie. Get some sleep. I hope you feel better. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you too," Soojung replies before ending the call. Jessica stares at the screen for a second before turning off her phone and placing it back on the nightstand.

Tomorrow. Another day of talking. Another day of faking smiles. Another day of painful memories. Another day of breathing. Another day of living.

Another day I die inside.