all we have is now / feral boys fanfiction

~34~ karl

"Hey babes," I can hear her smile, "I'm doing alright. I haven't cried today, so that's a plus."

"Hey, I mean, that's great," This time I smile. It's good to see her getting better. "It's progress, and that's good. How are you sleeping?"

She knows I'm not really asking the question said out loud. It's not how she was sleeping because I know that it's not good. Nobody has slept since the accident. The sounds of Nick's screams haunt me. My mom and I both know sleep has been bad, and that's why I'm not really asking. I'm asking her where she slept.

"I'm still sleeping in her room, Karl." She sighs. "I just can't bring myself to pack it up yet."

"I'm not asking you to pack it up," I say, "I just think you should sleep in your own bed."

"Well, I think your father likes getting to sleep in the middle of the bed, and I'm not really complaining in her room. It's not as cold, and everything in there has memories-"

"Mom please," I interrupt her, "We both know Dad does not like sleeping by himself. He's worried about you and sleeping in her bed isn't helping the whole mourning process."

She sighs. "I know you're right."

I smile a bit. Maybe I finally broke through to her. She's been wallowing ever since the accident, and it gets to a point where you just have to pick yourself up and try. Which is exactly what Nick needs to do, too.

I can hear her mess with some pots and pans in the background. She's really thrown herself into cooking since Taegan died. I don't think my Dad is complaining one bit. She even brought it to one of the Mr. Beast shoots. They really loved that, despite the hobby stemming from the death of her only daughter...

I shake the thought from my head. "How's Dad doing?"

"Better," she admits, "he's going back to work tomorrow."

"That's great," I smile wide, "It's good to get back to normal. It's healthy."

She hums in response. "How are you doing honey?" she asks, "Are you getting back to normal?"

"Well, I'm not at home, obviously." I say, "I'm still with the guys, you know, helping out, but it's starting to sink in as a reality."

"How about streaming?" she asks, "Are you planning on going back?"

"Yeah," I lie. I haven't even thought about it, "I was planning one tonight actually. We have to tell the public what happened and why none of us have been streaming anyways. It's better they hear it from us than anyone else."

"That sounds good," she says, "I'm glad you're getting back at life."

"Yeah," I rub the back of my head, "I actually have to go. We ordered a pizza, and I think it just got here."

"Oh okay," she says, clearly busy herself, "I'll let you go then."

We say goodbye, and I sit there staring at the phone for a long time. There was no pizza being ordered. I just didn't want her to worry about me anymore.

But now I lied, and I'm stuck with the most daunting task I've ever had. How are we supposed to tell the public my sister was hit by a car and has been dead for almost two weeks?

We can't not tell the fans. They'll wonder why she dropped of the face of the Earth. They'll think one of us did something to her that made her want to leave. When in reality, it was nobody's choice.

Well it was one person's choice. The person who chose to drive drunk. I scoff just thinking about it.

I am never drinking again.

I stare at my phone for a minute longer before picking it up.

I dial her number, even though I know she won't answer. I've been paying her phone bills still. I don't even know where her phone is, but I pay it. I don't want anyone else having this number. It's hers and her's only.

Her voicemail rings out. I listen to it intensely, making sure to memorize the way her voice rises and falls. Finally, the beep rings out. It's quiet for a little bit before I start to talk.

"Hey Taegan. It's me, Karl. Again." I start, "I just wanted to call and give you some more updates. Um, Nick still hasn't improved much. We got him to eat, but he's still not coming out of his room."

I try to run a list in my mind of who to update her on. Sometimes it's the neighbors, sometimes Mr. Beast, sometimes I even update her on the News. It just depends on the day, but I always update her on the feral boys and our parents without a doubt.

"Clay just found out about Nick wanting to propose. I don't know if I already told you that, but surprise! Nick wants to marry you as much as you wanted to marry him. Um, anyways, Clay is in shock. I don't think he realized how deeply rooted Nick's heartbreak was, but either way we need him to come out of that room. It's really not healthy"

I laugh a little to ease the tension in my stomach. It's a pit that hasn't seemed to leave since the accident.

"George and Alex are good. George isn't the best at showing emotions, but I can tell he misses you. Alex seems a little angry with it all. Like he's angry with every possible higher being no matter the religion. He's just upset with them all."

"Mom and Dad are good. I just got off the phone with Mom right before this, as always." I pause for a second, "Dad's going back to work tomorrow, so he's doing a lot better. She's still sleeping on your bed, and I know you're rolling your eyes as you hear that. Just know we're working on progress."

"I guess that leaves me." I take a deep breath. "I'm doing better. Kind of. Don't judge, Taegan. It's harder than it looks. I'm just trying to focus on others and getting them to feel better. Which I know you're telling me to focus on myself too, but I don't want to do that. You can't really force me too, either."

I laugh again. Is it too soon for the dead jokes? Probably, but I like to think Taegan would appreciate it.

"I think I'm actually going to stream tonight. For the first time. I think the fans are starting to wonder where the six of us went, so it's time they know where you went. I don't know. Maybe it's dumb, but we have to start somewhere. I think getting it out in the open could really help some of us feel better. Hopefully it does."

I take a long break now. I don't have any more updates to give, so I guess I'll just hang up on the voicemail as usual.

"Okay, well I'm going to go now," I don't pause for a response because I know one's never coming, "Bye, Taegan."

I sigh after I hang up. I don't tell anyone about my phone calls to my dead sister. I don't tell my parents, and I don't tell the guys. They might think I'm crazy, and I don't know if I'd blame them if they did.

The calls just help me. It makes me feel as if she's still right there. I know she won't ever return the missed calls, but a small part of me holds out hope that she's listening to them. A lot of me just hopes I'm an obnoxious brother that can't get a call back.

I walk out into the hall. I stop by Taegan's door. It's been shut ever since I've gotten here. I don't think anyone's opened it, and I don't know if they will for a long time.

I raise my hand to knock but then stop. I know she won't answer. I know she's not asleep and going to wake up for dinner later. There's a reason. It's the same reason the only way I talk to her is through voicemail. 

She's dead, and my gosh is that hard to accept.

~author's note~

i feel like this was also really sad, but i promise it's going to get better in the next set. we're still in the very beginning of the mourning process. we're going to get some good memories coming up and maybe even some ghost encounters???

idk you'll have to read to find out..

<33