all we have is now / feral boys fanfiction

~31~ quackity

~quackity pov~

I stare at a white wall. That's all I've done for the past hour and a half.

I focus on the wall as I try to remember everything about Taegan. I don't want to forget. I can't forget.

In two years I want to remember her just as perfectly as I did when she was right in front of me. She was too good to forget even the smallest details about her.

She was brunette. Her hair was long and curly. She wore it down a lot because it was too much to work with. If it wasn't down, then it was almost always in a messy bun.

Her eyes were hazel, but they changed to a muddy green when she was excited. They would squint when she laughed.

She laughed a lot. It was more of a giggle, just like Karl's. The only difference was that she had a slight hiccup at the end when she tried to take a breath.

She had exactly three tattoos. All very simple, which was perfect for her taste. She wanted to get more eventually but could never make up her mind.

She had three tiny butterflies behind her ear. They were only ever visible when her hair was pulled up.Then she had a city skyline on her forearm. It was all connected by one line. The final tattoo, and everyone's personal favorite, was the constellation on her bicep.

It wasn't a real constellation, it was really just a bunch of dots that could make some shapes, but she always talked about it like it was real. She would tell a different story every time. Sometimes it symbolized a viking, a lost princess, a lost son, ect. One time I think she went so far as to say it was about potato soup. It depended on the day for what story she would create.

Her teeth were perfectly straight. One of her front teeth was slightly chipped. I never knew why.

She also had a freckle on her right cheek right below her eye and to the side a little.. Or was it her left cheek?

Damn it. Where was it?

I can imagine myself noticing it while she laughed at dinner with Karl the first time we met. I thought it looked like one I had, except she only had one. I had a lot.

I could see it if I was driving, and when you drive you sit on the left side of the car. That would mean that it was on the left side of her face, but the right if you were looking straight at her, right?

I exhale slowly, blowing some hair out of my face that I didn't even realize that was there.

I can't forget her.

Never in my entire life have I wanted to remember something more. I should've studied her attributes more, as if I had a test the very next week.

Because one day I might forget. One day I might have a memory with her, and I'll struggle on what her voice sounded like. I'll struggle to remember exactly what color her eyes were when she smiled.

And I don't want to forget. I want to remember as if she never left.

But I guess that's not possible, is it? Because she's gone.

No, that can't be true. There's no way Taegan isn't still here. She's too stubborn. She wouldn't let anything happen to her.

I grab my phone, ignoring any messages I might have. I press her contact and click the call button.

It rings once.

Come on, Taegan.

It rings twice.

Pick up your phone.

It rings a third time.

Please, Taegan.

It rings a fourth time.

No no no. This isn't happening.

"Hey this is Taegan." Her voice flows through my ears. "I'm not at the phone right now, but please leave a-"

I throw my phone against the wall. I put my head on my desk, gripping my hair with all my might.

This is not happening. She's supposed to answer my call. She's supposed to pick up and talk, then hang up before I can say anything.

She can hang up on me a thousand times as long as she picks up in the first place.

"Where are you, Taegan?" I whisper to the thin air of my room.

My phone rings.

I pick my head up slowly. My phone's screen is glowing.

I don't waste anytime to answer it.

"Hello?" I breathe out.

"Hey man," a masculine voice that is most definitely not Taegan says, "It's Karl. I wanted to check in and ask how you're doing?"

I sigh, disappointed that it wasn't her. That's not even possible, Alex.

"Um," I say out loud, "I'm not really sure. I just can't... I can't wrap my head around it."

"Yeah, me neither."

Karl is quiet for a few moments. I hear him clicking on the other side of the line.

"I'm going to fly to Florida on the next flight," he says after a moment, "I want to be there for the other guys."

"What?" I ask before even thinking. "Oh, yeah. Of course, I'll probably do that too."

"Yeah," Karl drags the word out in the awkward silence.

He must be done with buying his ticket because I can hear him lean back in his chair. We sit in even more silence.

"Are you doing okay, Karl?"

"Me?" he asks as if that's the most surprising question he's ever heard. "Yeah, I'm good."

"You sure?"

He lets out a long sigh. "Yeah, I mean it's hard, but I also don't think it's completely settled yet. Give it a couple hours, and I'll be a mess."

He laughs a little after this statement, and for some reason it makes me not believe his words one bit. Karl is not okay.

We go back into our quiet now. It's more comfortable than the first couple.

"Hey, Karl?" I break the silence once again.

"Yeah?"

"What side was the freckle on Taegan's cheek?" I ask him.

He's quiet for a long time now. My heartbeat quickens up a bit. Did I just ask the wrong question?

"It was her left, but it's the right if you're looking at her," he answers after a while, "Why do you ask?"

"I just don't want to forget her," I admit.

He sighs. "Me neither." His voice sounds thicker than it was a moment before.

"Listen man," Karl says with a sniff. "I've got to go pack, but I'll check in later, okay?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

He hangs up without waiting for an answer. Just like Taegan.

~author's note~

one chapter tomorrow but then the rest should be posted in sets of five!

have a good day <3