Atlas

Two

Her arms were wrapped around my waist her head in my lap with her knees tucked up. Ever since we had came back from the hospital she had never done this she barely ever looked at me and now she was falling asleep on my lap. I rested a hand on the back of her head rubbing my fingers through her hair loosening the knots carefully. I watched her as she slowly fell asleep her arms still around me tightly.

"I love you Meredith with every part of me I'm willing to wait as long as it takes"

It's okay if you can't catch your breath
You can take the oxygen straight out of my own chest

When she woke it up it was like that sleep had cleared her mind. Words formed in her mouth as she began telling me everything that was on her mind. But as the topics became dark her breath became short as sobs began to rack through her small frame. My arms gathered her up pulling her up into my arms. Her head against my chest as the words still spluttered out.

Her body shook as she couldn't quite catch her breath the words coming out of her mouth no longer having any meaning.

"I ... I Addie ... I I can't .... can't do this ... I can't" she cried out gripping onto my top as she tried to push her body closer to mine.

"Meredith breath you need to breath ... slowly in and out slowly ... in ... out ... in .... out" I rubbed small circles onto her back as her sobs subsided. I rose her hand to my chest to cover my heart.

"You feel this ... breath in time with it nice and slowly" her breaths slowly became back to how they were.

"I'm ready to talk you might just have to be patient" she said looking up at me.

"I can be patient"

No, I don't want to talk about myself
Tell me where it hurts

Her head was rested in my lap, her hands grasping mine tightly as she prepared herself to open up to me. I could see all the thought flashing through her mind not knowing where she should begin. My hand rested on her cheek brushing the warm tears away as they rolled down.

"I'm sorry for not talking the past few days ... I know it must be hard with me like this" she pressed her lips together before speaking.

"You have nothing to apologise for you're grieving " I tell her.

"I know but it's just unfair on you"

"This isn't about me it's about you so if that means I have to worry about you for a while until you are better then thats how it will be" I explain. As much as I wanted to scream at her for not talking and barely eating I couldn't do that to her because right now it's not about me it's about her.

"It just hurts my heart hurts and it won't stop" she sobbed sitting up slightly. I wrapped her up in my arms pressing her against my chest tightly my hand over her heart trying to protect it. Her small body shook in my arms as they emotions drained out of her.

"I hated her Addie I hated her for everything she put me through so why am I'm like this why has it ruined me ... why does she constantly have to ruin me" her heart broke right in front of me as she hiccuped amongst the tears.

"I don't know ... I don't know baby but you've got me and I'm going to always protect you" I consoled her. Protecting her might be killing me it might be leaving me just as broken but she is all I have she's the only person who hasn't left me and I can't do anything to make her leave.

I just want to build you up, build you up
Till you're good as new
And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too

After what seemed like hours of her breaking down, hours of a never ending stream of tears she had stopped. My arms still stayed securely around her, her head tucked under my chin as she just laid there. The room was silent apart from her uneven breathing. I kissed the top of her head trying to keep my own tears away because she was the one who had just lost someone not me. It wasn't my time to fall apart.

"Why don't I make us some dinner?" I suggested as head stomach rumbled against me from the lack of food.

"That sounds good" her voice was quiet.
I scooped her up in my arms as I stood up from the sofa, I laid her back down draping a blanket over head making sure she was comfortable. I knelt down kissing her forehead before I disappeared to the kitchen to make dinner. My hands shook as I cooked as I tried to keep my emotions intact. I covered my mouth as a sob rose in my throat a single tear spilled down my cheek. I tried to reassure myself that I was ok that Meredith was ok but I was too far gone. One tear had turned into many and keeping my sobs silent grew more difficult. I stood in front of the sink splashing my face with the cool water eliminating any evidence that I had just been crying. I turned back to the dinner cooking on the stove like nothing had ever happened.

When I walked back into the living room with two plates in my hand Meredith was still curled up under the blanket. I shoved her shoulders gently waking her up from the light sleep she had been in. She gave me a small smile her eyes dropping to the food in my hand, she moved herself up the couch so she was sitting up. I placed the food in her lap settling down beside her as we began to eat.

"Thank you" she kissed my cheek which made them heat up.

"No problem" I replied. I ate my food but my eyes never left her. The fear never left I was scared she would break down in tears any moment and I would have no clue what to do. She placed her plate on the floor once she had finished, she grabbed the remote control turning on the tv her head falling against my shoulder as she flicked through the channels.

She was going to be ok whether I was she was going to be ok and that's all that mattered to me.

I just want to learn how, somehow, to be loved myself

As I slept I could feel a pair of eyes staring at me, I tried to ignore them I just wanted to stay in the moment where she was the big spoon and I was the little spoon and she was protecting me. She pressed a kiss to my temple before she rested her head behind mine falling asleep. Her arms tightened around me her hand searched for mine. I intwined our fingers pulling them up to my lips I kissed the back of her hand then resting it against my chest.

As she held me tightly I laid awake staring at the wall in front of me as the light from the window casted different patterns against it. The feeling of her body protecting mine made me feel so safe. I let my mind wonder over all of the built up emotions I previously hadn't let out. Tears slipped down my cheek just to be soaked up by the sheet beneath me. My body went ridged from trying to stop myself from shaking. The last thing Meredith needed was to have to look after me.

I felt her shift behind me so she was on her back, her arms no longer around me. I shuddered from the coldness that replace where her warm body had been. I hadn't even noticed she was awake until I felt her petite hand tap my shoulder. I turned to her forgetting about the tears in my eyes. She gave me a sad smile then opened up her arms welcoming me into them. I rolled over and into her arms wrapping my arms and legs around her body. Her arms dropped to wrap around me one rested on top of my head as she ran her fingers through my hair pressing kisses to it. My tears dried up against her top (well technically it's my top) leaving my cheeks slightly sticky.

"I know I've need you a lot recently but no matter what's going on I'll put it all aside for you ... you'll always come first Addie don't feel like you have to bottle it all up and hide it from me just cause I'm going through a rough time too" she told me which just made me cry more.

"I didn't know how to tell you ... you're mothers just died and I'm crying for no reason" I sobbed.

"Addie you're aloud to do that just because there's no real meaning to it doesn't make the emotion invalid" she assured me.

"I was scared that it would all be too much for you that you would end up pushing me away" I admitted.

"I will never leave you Addison. I love you far too much ... if everything got to much I would push something else away but never you. You're the reason I can get through all of the bad things and I'm going to do just the same for you" she told me honestly.

Hearing her say that and mean it made all the bad all of the sudden seem so small. No matter what I had her. She was all I needed the only person who didn't want to leave me. The only person willing to push things aside to ensure I was fine. When Ellis first died I was terrified I was never going to get Meredith back that she was going to disappear on me but she didn't she stayed and so did I.

I will love you without any strings attached
I will love you without a single string attached