One Step Ahead Part II | Sirius Black

Chapter 206

For as graceful as she was, Gwen looked undeniably awkward amongst the grieving. She smiles faintly at a rather stout man standing before her, his hands waving around wildly. No doubt, telling a story about Fleamont Potter and their glory days at Hogwarts.

"She's worried about you,"

Sirius' head whips to the side, staring at Regulus uncertainly. He'd tried so hard to keep his emotions in check, to weep silently late at night with the shower running and a silencing charm on the bathroom. Gwen had respected the distance. But the distance had eroded his ability to read her somewhat. He shrugs a little, hesitating as if he can't decide if he wants to be honest. He can't. He makes the hard choice.

"I don't want to scare her off," Sirius admits, wringing his hands together. He swallows past the lump in his throat, swallows the festering grief. He was terrified, terrified that the darkness he feels swirling in his soul would take root and become permanent. That the despair and grief would turn to evil. He'd seen it happen. He'd seen it happen to people far stronger than him, people that didn't have darkness in their blood or their surname. Black. He was a Black.

Regulus looks at him knowingly, offering a crooked smile. He sighs, and for a moment Sirius feels like the younger brother when Regulus says quietly, "We may have inherited things from our parents, Sirius. Things that we don't like. But Mia and Monty—"

His brother's voice gives out for a moment, and Sirius nearly cries. He nearly shares in the tears collecting in his little brother's eyes. Regulus quickly shakes his head, voice stronger as he mutters, "It would be an insult to them to act as if we are as incapable of emotion as our birth parents. Mum taught us better. They both did."

Sirius pulls him into a hug, both of them slightly stiff and awkward. Affection in their household had been as close to a crime as fraternizing with beings and half bloods. He hugs Reggie tighter despite it all and mumbles, "I'm glad you met them."

Regulus is still for a moment, and Sirius worries that his brother is struggling with emotions just as much as he is. Fortunately, he proves him wrong. Reggie was rather good at doing that.

"Me too," Regulus whispers. "I'll miss them terribly. Gwen will too."

Sirius chuckles at the pointed nature of his last words, nodding and clapping him on the back before letting go and turning back to where Gwen was standing talking to the short wizard.

They're still chatting, the Veela offering up what seems to be very short responses to his comments. Sirius strides across the room to the doorway that she's now leaning on. She was a vision in midnight blue, the long sleeved dress making her hair look like moonlight spilling over her shoulders. Blue. Thank Merlin she'd insisted on wearing blue.

She glances up as he approaches, her lips twitching into a smile that he now realizes is hopeful. He feels a pang of guilt, his smile sheepish as he comes to stand next to her. He looks at the man who is obviously captivated by the Veela, asking quietly, "I'm terribly sorry, but could I have a moment alone with my fiancé?"

The man flushes, and Sirius isn't sure what he expects. Certainly not for him to smile and nod his head rapidly before saying, "Fleamont said he had the most wonderful daughter in laws. You and James are lucky, Sirius. My most sincere condolences."

He blinks, stunned by the man's recognition even after he walks away. Embarrassed that he doesn't know his name in return. Devastated that Fleamont had said so many kind things, had told people about his engagement, had told people about him. About Gwen.

Gwen.

He looks down and finds her staring up at him patiently, her eyes crystal clear and free of the darkness he'd been so scared of inflicting. She quirks a brow, and Sirius finds himself grunting quickly, "Get out of my head, you bloody seer."

"I'm not in your head," Gwen retorts, her face softening back to passiveness and something else. Something sweet. She raises her hand, pokes his chest above his broken heart with a slender finger and says simply, "I'm in here."

Sirius swears he could collapse, melt into a puddle at her feet and wash away into the heavenly waters of her eyes. This girl. This being. He quickly grabs her hand, and something about the urgency of his movements had Gwen's eyes softening even more.

"Do you want to go to Grimmauld Place?" She offers gently, and Sirius again wants to cry because she's not running away from the darkness. She's facing it head on.

"I don't know," He answers honestly, quietly as if he's afraid anyone may hear. He didn't want to sour the memories of the Potters by spending any time at the home of his birth parents. But the light in this room, the light in his memories was so sickly sweet and warm that he was beginning to feel claustrophobic.

"I'm scared,"

It's an admission that needs no further explanation. He's scared of a lot. Scared of what life looks like now, scared of what he looks like without the guiding light of Mia and Monty, scared that the road ahead only leads to more pain, more despair, more loss. And just when he begins to doubt saying these things out loud, revealing his secrets, Gwen somehow makes it go away.

"That's a rather brave thing to admit."

Gwen just smiles when his forehead slumps down to lean against hers, his body grateful for the weight lifted from his shoulders. She wraps her arms around him in a hug that eases his pain, warms the cold. She lets go and says quietly, "I'm just going to check in with James, and then we'll go. Alright?"

Sirius nods quickly, reluctant to have her leave his side. But she squeezes his hand before she walks away, his fingers tingling still as she crosses the room and gently taps James on the shoulder. His eyes burn once again when his best friend whirls around and folds into the arms of the Veela. He can tell James is shaking, can tell that his tears are slipping off his face and wetting the blue shoulder of Gwen's dress. Even from where he's standing, he can see that James is destroyed, but Gwen is making it better.

Sirius glances behind the two, and finds Lily watching with as much sorrow and regret as he feels. He and Lily watch as Gwen puts James back together the way only she can, her hands grabbing his shoulders and squeezing. When James leans up to look at her, Sirius chokes back the violent feelings of despair once again. James was the happiest person he knew. James shouldn't ever look like this.

But then he's smiling through the tears, swiping away at his face and grinning at something Gwen says. By the flush of Lily's cheeks, Sirius can guess that it is something crass that he definitely didn't want shared. He doesn't care. So long as it's making James laugh and waggle his brows at Sirius over the Veela's shoulder.

Gwen begins walking back over to him, her lips pulled up perfectly into a polite smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. And he knows. He knows that she hurts too, and that getting her to say it will be as close to impossible as anything.

But he'll try. He'll never stop trying.

"Ready?" Gwen asks gently, her hand extending towards his. It's more than asking if he's ready to leave for just the night. It's more. Is he ready? Will he ever be ready?

Sirius looks down into her blue eyes. The farthest thing from black. He smiles faintly and nods, taking her hand.

He was ready.

{{please don't hate me. I'm really sorry. If it makes you feel better, I tried to write out an actual death scene and literally could not do it because it made me cry. Hopefully you all forgive me (: the marauders era is not always happy unfortunately}}