Unparalleled

two

For beautlies : thank you so much for the great comment on the last chapter!!!
(not edited at all)

Max,

I am over the initial shock of you breaking up with me, but now the air smells thickly of disappointment and hangs lower than my head. The numb fog of balked happiness is a cloud of shame that encompasses me like I am a stone drowning in a pond. The sinking realization in my gut that it was all my fault.

I hope you're not sorry for breaking up with me. It was my fault. I trusted you. My bad, not yours. If anything, I should be sorry for not being able to be liked by you. Just know that I don't blame you at all.

My heart aches in guilt and swims in regret. My mind tumbles questions around like a golden leaf in autumn swept by the wind into the air. It is dizzying, chasing itself in meaningless circles.

The confusion and guilt spin too. Unending circles like the ones I spun in when I was a child. The circles went on until I got too disoriented and sprawled on the ground as the world continued to twist and turn. My stomach twists and turns like the world every time I think about the unending questions of what I did wrong.

Was it my crooked glasses that got in the way of me hugging you with my head on your chest? I could get contacts even though I feel uncomfortable touching my eye. Was it my short stature? I could invest in a pair of heels even though my toes will be rubbed raw with blisters and my feet will ache to no end. I could stop hanging out with people you don't get along with or probably lose some pounds. I could be more positive and stop complaining. I could listen to different music. I could start running and stop reading so much. I don't know what I did wrong, but tell me so I can change it.

Tell me so I can make everything okay again.

I accept all culpability for the way things ended between us. I think of all of the times your lips felt like butterfly wings and I wonder if you would have stayed if I kissed a little longer or talked a little less. I kick myself for thinking of the possibility that I didn't make a mistake. Because we both know that I did. If I don't find out what I did wrong, then how am I going to have a relationship that works out?

I cannot end up as the woman on the corner with fifty cats. Mostly because I'm allergic to cats, but also because loneliness is not a pretty color on me. It makes me look pale.

I never meant to be a horrible girlfriend. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else. All I wanted was for us to be happy with each other. I am so sorry that I couldn't do what needed to be done. It kills me to think about all of the possibilities of situations that I messed up. There was probably a lot. I mean, before you I was a shy girl who couldn't talk to anyone without messing up or saying something stupid. I was an outsider and invisible. No one saw me. Everything changed when you noticed me. Suddenly I had a group of people who weren't complete outcasts surrounding me. I could sit at a lunch table instead of hiding in the library. I could talk with confidence and people would listen. Without you, I would never be able to do that.

Now that we aren't together, I am starting to wonder if I had ever really changed at all. I am still the shy girl who can't leave the library. No one listens when I talk. I am just as useless and invisible as I felt before. Only now, it's worse. Now, I know what the freedom felt like. I know what it's like to eat lunch with people. I know what it's like to be heard. But I can't have it. And I don't know why.

No one will tell me. No one can see me. I am just as invisible as I was before and there is no amount of apologies that will ever change that.

-Luisa

Some notes:

HI!!! So i want to apologize for the wait for this chapter. I had a ton of summer work to do and I am also a very lazy person, so...
I am starting school again this week. (boo) So my writing will probably depend on how busy that makes me.

OK, go forth with some comments/voting if you deem this chapter worthy.

Love,
Amanda