Lilies and Carnations

It was hot. The type of hot that was sticky and uncomfortable and made it seem like everything was covered in a thin layer of wet. Outside, the cicadas screeching drowned out any other noise.

Early September was a bitch.

Charlotte was laying on a grassy knoll in the park close to her apartment building, staring up at the sky. The sun beat down, making her forehead sheen with sweat. She didn't mind though; it was still cooler than her shitty apartment air-conditioning. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and counted to ten.

In and out... in and out...

She did it again and again and again. It was something she saw online once when looking for ways to help calm herself down when she just felt... off. She frowned and sat up with a grunt. Charlotte liked the park, she really did. She liked the grass and the trees, and the sounds of children playing. She enjoyed the flowers and different animals. She liked how you could observe each part of nature interact with each other. So why was it not helping anymore? Has she really run out of things that she enjoyed? Honestly, it wouldn't have surprised her at this point. In her apartment, the books on her shelf were collecting dust, she couldn't remember the last time she read, and where did she put her game controllers? It doesn't matter anymore, anyway.

Charlotte's fingers started to twitch, absentmindedly picking at the cuticles. She reached in her bag and took out a pack of cigarettes. It was a new pack. Tearing off the plastic carefully and opening the box, she plucked a cigarette. She brought it to her lips and fished out her lighter, lighting the cigarette and breathing in. She sighed and tipped her head back, looking back up at the sky once again. Clouds were starting to roll in now. How long has she been sitting out here? She checked her watch.

4:36

Hm. She'd been sitting out here since one. Deciding that was enough time being outside, she hurriedly finished her cigarette. Charlotte scowled at that. Smoke breaks were somewhat sacred, for some reason. It didn't feel right to rush it. Gathering her stuff and dusting herself off, she got up and tossed the cigarette butt in the communal ash tray nearest to her, and walked back towards her apartment.

The walk back was just as boring and monotonous as always, and being a Sunday evening, none of the stores were open. Few cars drove by, a mother and son passed, the little boy talking animatedly about some show. Charlotte's gaze lingered on his wide smile. Envy bubbled in the pit of her gut. She scrunched her nose and pushed it down.

Envious of a child, how pathetic.

She knew, realistically, that this wasn't a great way to live. But if Charlotte was being completely honest, she just didn't have the energy anymore to try and fix it. She tried that already a few months ago and it got her nowhere. Figured if it couldn't be fixed then she would just grin and bear it. She knew, in the back of her mind, that this was unsustainable. Something had to give eventually.

As she was reaching for her keys to her building, her phone started ringing. She groaned. Charlotte already knew who was calling before answering. She specifically had this person's ringtone set differently than everyone else. Rummaging through her bag she found her phone and answered it.

"Hello, mother."

"Hello dear! You don't sound happy to speak to me?" Charlotte rolled her eyes

"No, of course I'm happy to hear your voice. How are you?" She used the voice she always used with her mother, her customer service voice. Her mother started on her day, telling her daughter of the meaningless suburban drama. Charlotte was only half listening, exiting the elevator and walking to her apartment.