Letters From a Betrayed Wife

Letter 2 : After One Month of D-Day

I guess that we need more devotion than a legal contract to be at such a level.

Having this kind of talk actually needs a form of intimacy that we have lost as you cheated on me.

At some point you have to do some soul-searching and figure out your own truth too.

I am saying is that I am married to you and loved you for a such a long time with the fact that you were alcohol-addicted, porn-addicted and cheated on me even after all that love and support from me. It has led this relationship to completely destroy me. You tend to lose your footing with such a heartbreak, gut-wrenching heartache and trauma. I sometimes think the only way I can love you the same again is to make you go through the same trauma and then only I will get healed. Then can you only understand the devastation and be truly committed to me in the future. Should I do it? Should I too cheat on you? Even then I feel comfortable talking about things and really it isn't about finding a resolution but just sharing my thoughts and getting it out here. I think that in itself can be very cathartic. I need to have catharsis.

Communication and counselling is very much needed right now.

I am still learning about the damage and how it has affected me.

I had thought that the pain, hurt, stress, anxiety and trauma that your deception has caused will be something that will stay with me only for a while but it changes into a new kind of pain if that makes sense. Before I was devastated with grief and loss now I feel like it is a death due to decay with a chance to mourn you and our relationship to accept that loss. Again now the pain is different. It is moulded into navigating life to the new normal. In a way any sort of grieving and feeling of loss is easier than this. I am still struggling to heal myself. Why am I 'aching for normalcy'?

There are two types of people around me the first one who point out the decaying me and the second one who talk positive to help me overcome this trauma. I'm not blowing my own trumpet but everyone positive says I look younger now after losing 20 pounds in a month but people at work think I have cancer or something. I am just not myself so I look like I am going through chemotherapy like ingesting poison to kill the abscess caused by your infidelity. I have lost a lot of muscle mass making me physically weak but I feel stronger because you have aroused the self-esteem self-worth and dignity with in me which had taken a back seat after our marriage thinking of us as one unit.

Depression sucks. I'm still on antidepressants. The stress is inhumane. However, my blood pressure is sky high even with medicines and I am pre-diabetic. Fortunately, I'm slowly healing mentally. Due to the counselling and the anti-depressants, I'm creeping back on the track. I hope when our mind gets stronger our body will follow is true for me too. Yes. I am ready to fight back and get physically and mentally fit,

The trauma of the betrayal by my beloved most precious husband that I have to go through in my life has thoroughly wrecked my body, mind and spirit. It's called an attachment injury/trauma and your body sees it as a life threatening danger. As you heal, you'll start to see your spark come back, but yes some of the change may be permanent.

Some days it even hurts to breathe. The only reason I keep going and drag myself out of bed every morning is because of the job and my responsibility towards our kids. There can be so much pressure from work and there are some days I have to try really hard to not freak out. I am scared one of these days that I will just lose it. You can't pretend to be so strong for a very long time.

Karma says, "Cheating is a choice and loyalty is a responsibility not a choice." I am responsible as you know.

Karma comes after everyone eventually. You can't get away with screwing people over your whole life. Karma doesn't care who you are. Actually what goes around comes around. It is always the fair justice that Karma serves you. The whole universe is hell bent on giving you what you have procured through your Karma.

You know cheating is a choice that you make and thuss cheating goes beyond a bad choice Do you know how many decisions it takes to cheat while making choices?

You are very well aware how many choices it takes and how a person can stop at any point before cheating? People don't just stumble onto each other's genitals. All humans do not cheat. Cheating is not something that has to be done. It is something to be avoided like the plague but many cheaters could care less about the plague because if the person they are cheating with has it, they will catch it and give it to their companion.

I was in the same marriage as you, did I cheat?

If I cheated will you have forgiven me?

Will you be same after catching me cheating?

I am feeling so exasperated, frustrated and exhausted with an excruciating pain and torture that  has completely altered my life while so far you have no consequences.. I am so irritated how easy life is for you as a cheating husband. You just sails through life and live it up while me and our kids struggle and deal with the consequences of the disaster you have caused. I feel so worthless and like I am nothing.

Think about a bowl of pottery crafted with all the artistic talent with the complete dedication of the potter while creating it. The potter feels proud of it's creation. He keeps it safe and cares for it. Then someone wild like an earthquake throws it on the floor and shatters it in to some tiny pieces. The potter tries very hard to join them to give it its same appearance and finesse. He uses every glue every adhesive and his craftsmanship but can he return the broken shattered bowl to its original demeanour ?

What do you think?

Is it possible?

I and our relationship are that bowl.

Can I ever be the same Serena ?

Can our relationship be same ?

What do you think?

A deceived shattered wife,

Serena