inner commotion

imprinted balance

my life is falling into shambles
as I am doubting and having difficulty tolerating uncertainty

this aggressive horrific notion about
losing control
suffocates every piece of restfulness left in me
and I am not able to stop receiving unwanted thoughts-
repetitive unwanted thoughts

intrusive ideas
debilitating invaders outcome of this unmanageable neurotic state
a chaotic disorder with such apparitions that still haunt me and refuse to leave
even though I constantly beg

irrational and excessive urges
persistent pictures
doubts that appear in my mind
over and over
again and again
and interrupt abruptly against own control-
driving me insane

it is graphic and disturbing
frightening and hard to deal with
I am in constant battle between pure madness and regulation
and it is always leaving me on the edge of tears

this feeling will not rest
it does not care what time it is
where I am
or who is watching

it renders me paralyzed
internal impulses killing me
and using me as their device
being possessed
obsessed
compelled
and disordered
and I cannot seem to have some despite

I believe I am ailing,  torn apart inside
confused about what I should do because nothing feels right
figured that I am diagnosed with the most difficult disease there is to fight-
to win against your own mind