Reclusive- s.r

twenty-two

Celeste hasn't left my side once.

She's been sleeping in my bed with me, but I think it's more for me than for her. She claims she's fine, but I can sense her fear of being alone in public now. She had thought she was safe at a party, surrounded by hundreds of other people, yet she had almost been attacked at one. She might not be showing it, but I can tell it affected her, it would effect anyone.

I don't think I have ever felt more angry in my life. I hate seeing her so beat down and defenceless, and I wanted nothing more than to find the guy who hurt her and instill the same fear in him as he did to my best friend.

She told me the entire story, from how she ended up at the party, to the moment Spencer dropped her off on the doorstep. After that, she'd told me that she never wanted to talk about it again, and she wanted to forget all about it. I disagree with her coping mechanisms, because I don't think pushing it aside and trying to forget is going to do her any favours. She's trying to be strong, and I don't think she realizes that it's okay if she lets herself break, or cry, or scream, or let out all of those pent up emotions. I wouldn't think any less of her, because we all reach our breaking point at some point.

Since her encounter is off-limits in the topics of conversation, she's moved on to asking me about Spencer constantly. If I've seen him, or if I've talked to him. I answer no each time, and she seems persistent in her efforts to get me to talk to him, and I'm not sure why. I wasn't even entirely sure if she liked him, but I guess his actions two days ago had really solidified her opinion of him.

"I think you should talk to him. Really," she states firmly, and I narrow my eyes at her. I have a feeling that she knows something I don't, and she's keeping it from me on purpose. "I love you, but I think you were a little rash in your decision."

"Why are we talking about this?"

"Because you're all mopey and sad, and you did it to yourself." My mouth falls open at her bunt tone, and I'm immediately feeling guilty because she's right. But Spencer's made a choice now, one that's no doubt going to have him far, far away from me. At least I know that one good thing came out of our split. Now, all I have to do between now and September is get over him, which sounds easier than it seems. "Don't you think you'll regret this, if you leave without telling him how you feel?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Vega, I'm sure you had your reasons. And I'm not saying that you're entirely wrong, but you aren't exactly right, either. You need to talk to him."

"Why are you pushing this?"

"Because he's told me some things that I think you'd really like to hear, and he'd tell you if you gave him the time of day." I frown. What could she possibly know that I'd be interested in hearing? When had Spencer even told her this information?

"What kind of things?"

"Not my place," she says, her arms raised by her shoulders. I shake my head and poke at the salad in front of me. I wish she had just not mentioned it at all, then, because if she wasn't going to tell me, then I'll just be stuck wondering about it. Sure, I could call Spencer and ask him, but that could lead down an entirely different road that I'm not quite ready to go down just yet. I miss him, and I didn't think it was possible.

It's a confusing feeling, because on one hand, I want nothing more than to tell him that I love him, and to go back to the way things were. But on the other hand, the nagging part of my brain is telling me that he's better off without me, that I'm a burden to him. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging. Is that what this is? Is this me trying to convince myself that I don't deserve to be happy?

Graduation is approaching quicker than I'd like, and now that I've officially completed my finals, I'm stuck packing up the house before I can move back home for the summer until I can find an apartment. Celeste is spending the summer with me at home, because I couldn't bear to be away from her all summer, especially with the circumstances right now. She plans on coming apartment hunting with me and helping me settle in, all before she heads off to her own thing, which she's still trying to figure out.