The Aftermath

Feel something

It's now April, my baby is supposed to be born in 2 more months, my baby's father walked out due to not wanting to get a job, and I'm not even really worried about it. I know I've got this so I'm not worried about what will happen when the baby gets here. I know I'll be ok. I know I sound odd when I say honestly Miguel is all I've been thinking about. Right now I am just getting my steps in for the day and I've gotten in a pretty good routine since I got here. Wake up at 10, eat breakfast, then I clean my room then I walk or spend the day outside, then I shower then I watch Netflix, then I play Xbox on my own or I knit then I go to bed. But during all of that all that's going on in my head is...
What's he doing right now? Would is he even thinking about talking to me right now? What would he think if he messaged me and found out I was a single mom now... that my ex left me while pregnant? How would he react?
Why am I even worrying about it? He's not coming back. He's happy... with that one girl. So happy that while I was mid crying the last time he said he had to go. And that's fine. But... I wish he didn't.
As I go inside and shower I get this weird feeling, almost like a switch in my head went off and my brain immediately went
He's going to message you soon.
I start arguing with the feeling that I was getting.
No he's not, he won't because he hurts...every time he even reaches out. I messed up. I hurt him. He's made that clear. And even though I know he means my parents I know that I couldn't control what they did... it doesn't matter the thinks it was me...... I'll never see or hear from him again.
****
As my pregnancy goes on and the middle of June comes, it's also been a month since I heard from Dick. My phone goes off and I assume that it's Dick because he's gonna ask for money or something.

Miguel is typing...

Oh shit... it's Snapchat... Miguel is typing to me... maybe it's a mistake. I wait for 30 minutes to see if he's going to message or hit send on what he typed... and he never did. I feel tears well up then I start reasoning with myself,
If he loves you he'll come back, if he doesn't he won't. It's what's best. Even if he loves you and he doesn't come back it's reasonable as to why he wouldn't. I wouldn't if I were him honestly... so I wouldn't blame him...
I start to sniffle.
I'm gonna go hide now.
I walk inside and go to shower, as I shower I let myself cry... I let myself feel the things I was running from all this time. Then as I feel it all take over I feel my chest tighten.
Why would my mom make me feel this way? Why would she hurt me like this? Why take away someone who's this important to me?
I sit on the floor of the tub and I let the water run on me.
I wish this would end. I wish this feeling... would end.
****
A week goes by and it happens again... this time I don't even let it get to me. I just swipe the notification away. But this time an hour later a message comes through.

Message from Miguel:
"Hey Jess..."

He hit send... maybe he does care.

Message to Miguel:
"What's up?"

He starts typing again and I try to play it cool as we continue the conversation. We catch up like we always do every year we text... then he says he has to go. I tell him ok, that I hope he stays safe. And then he stops texting.
****
A few days later he checks in, as I get closer to my due date the more he checks on me. The more he asks how I feel and what I think. No one has been this attentive to me. No one really cared besides my grandparents. So it felt nice for someone to give a shit.
****
After I had the baby, he still checks in on me, then we start talking more and more. About random things and we start picking up where we left off. We start talking about the possibilities of a relationship and how he would be the step dad to my child and how he would work hard so I could stay home. Most of it he led and spoke on. I followed and let him lead... until the day he called me and told me he got his ex pregnant and he didn't know what he was going to do. I told him I supported him in whatever decision and that I'd always be here to answer questions and to help. He told me okay... and that day... was the last I heard from him.