-a fine line- part two/ sequal

Chapter 22- Snap

There were much more important things than having to constantly keep an eye out for Severus and his close bond with the liquor cabinet. He managed to stay away from it the entire evening whilst Francis and Jayden went to his room, pretending like they didn't just put on silencing spells and lock the door. Y/N retired with Severus to their shared room and Severus just got back from his shower, dressed in boxers and a white towel slung carelessly over his shoulder with his hair dripping wet.

"We need to talk," Y/N said after gathering the courage to speak up to him. As she predicted, Severus merely rolled his eyes with a curl on his lip. The towel vanished from his shoulder with a flick of his wand and he was putting on his sweatpants. Y/N was already in bed, back against the headboard and patiently waiting for him to say something. He turned around so that she was facing his muscled back and he bent over to pull up his sweatpants.

"You always want to talk," He muttered after he snapped the pants in place, turning around with a spin and the same annoyed face.

"Yes, because I want us to communicate with each other." She was done explaining, done with talking around the bush in order to let Severus slip-free. They were going to talk about it whether he liked it or not. He sat down on the edge of the bed, sighing.

"And I believe that you must not make such a big thing out of nothing." His tone nearly sounded bored. He was absolutely devoid of his emotions as if teaching class. Y/N hated the feeling of talking to Severus who did everything automatically, with the same responses and the same tone and it was impossible to have a conversation with him.

"It's something related to your well-being. So it's important, not nothing," She spoke up. Severus' shoulders sagged as he knew there was no point in fighting with her and laid down to stare at the ceiling.

"Well, go on then, Y/N. Tell me all the shit you've been wanting to say to me." She ignored the biting comment and turned her head to look down at him. Even though she was higher and he was practically lying already, he still managed to make it appear intimidating with his protected features.

"You're drinking too much." It was all she could say and she was holding her breath, waiting for him to break the current silence.

"I don't see why it's your business." It was said so casually as if he didn't care, that Y/N had to hold in her tears. She was not about to cry at a sentence completely destroying her. It was her business, they lived together. He was the first and only one she got and he was denying everything!? Sure, he lost his memory but it was slowly coming back in less severe attacks. 

She remembered the periods where it was so bad Y/N had to tie him down to avoid him hurting himself or others as he couldn't control his movements. He went to Pomfrey with it and she did multiple diagnostic scans to show this was an improvement. Now, his flashbacks were undetectable except for the fact that he would dissociate.

"It is." It was nothing more than a mere whisper spoken in a dark room. The lights that were currently on low weren't helping the situation. There was a rustle of blankets and Severus was now turned to the side, with his back towards her.

"I don't even know you." Whilst he spoke those words, she knew she had failed to see the signs earlier. It wasn't even necessarily about his memory loss or that he was with her but didn't remember what it was like before that. It wasn't about anything else than that he was self-destructing. Perhaps he wasn't even conscious about it but it was now obvious he was doing everything he could to sabotage his relations. Not merely with Y/N, but with Jayden, with Hogwarts and everyone around him. 

He wasn't self-harming as he promised himself years ago when he wanted to quit, but he replaced his needs with other things, things that were hard to detect.

It could even be that his having to resign that day had triggered him into doing this. He was on the brink of it and Y/N didn't even notice. She wanted to feel sorry for him, but also couldn't forget the way he treated her during her own relapse. But that wasn't an excuse to not be there for him. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to help him but she couldn't do that if he wasn't willing to do so. She said the only thing that came to mind.

"You're not alone in this, you know that right?" It was awfully quiet at Severus' side and the only way she knew he was there was because of his irregular breathing and the frequent rustles when he moved an inch. It was then that Y/N's entire body froze at the sound of a muffled sniff.

"Severus?" She asked cautiously. She placed a hand on his shoulder sticking out from under the covers but it stayed quiet.

"I-I'm here for you if you want to talk." She should've come up with better things to say but she was never good at comforting someone, although she still didn't quite know whether Severus was upset at the moment or not. There was no answer, no affirmation to her words. The only thing she could rely on was Severus' sob escaping his throat after obviously trying to hold it in.

Y/N laid down and pulled the covers more over them, then turned to face his back and wrapped one arm around his waist. It was a strange sensation, of her having to comfort him in ways that he did so many times for her. She remembered her own dips where Severus would lay behind her and just pull her in his arms until she was ready to talk. He'd be so patient back then even with all kinds of problems being shoved under his nose for him to solve or deal with.

She now noticed how his body was softly trembling, enough for her to receive the vibrations but not enough to actually see. She pushed herself against Severus tightly and stroked his stomach that shivered even more. She knew he was holding in his tears as she recognized it in herself. How she'd lay in bed in the night, one hand covering her mouth to stop herself from crying out while the other was clutching onto her stomach because it hurt too much. 

She couldn't help but share his pain, relate to it to a level where she wondered how it took both of them this long to finally be together. There were extreme obstacles and risks in the two of them being together but they managed to overcome that even with the nights filled with pain. 

Nights where she had to clutch her stomach in order to keep quiet. Or how she'd try to chase away the pain she didn't want to feel. Where she cried her eyes out and rolled up in a ball to make it easier to bear. Nights where she was alone before she met Severus. Now, she wanted to provide the man with the care and love neither of them had received in their childhood.

"You can cry," She whispered softly in his ear. Severus was obviously trying to fight it but he couldn't help but let the sobs escape, which eventually led to him being completely unguarded and crying in front of her. He wanted to die from humiliation at how weak he was presenting himself. He wished he could trust her fully, but even now did he struggle with showing her his weak spots in case she turned against him. 

He just wanted to get his memory back, to mesmerize their first encounters, to see her smiles for the first time and how he apparently took her virginity in his classroom. He was shocked when he first heard that one from Y/N one day.

He hated the fact that he couldn't keep his hands off the alcohol, to drown himself in self-pity as if that would get him anywhere. He wanted to drink so much that he was completely oblivious to what was happening around him, to suddenly regain consciousness days later to see himself standing somewhere in the middle of a conversation without knowing what it was about because the last thing he remembered was pouring alcohol down his throat. 

The last thing he wanted to remember was the burn in his throat and the liquid in the glass saying he needed to drink more even if he didn't want to because he deserved it. He deserved all the headaches in the world and the pain he caused towards others. On the other hand, he didn't want to remember anything. He wanted to continue living like this until the day he died. There was no reason left to do this anymore.

And now, all he wanted to do was push Y/N away. He deserved nothing of this. He wanted to wring himself out of her comforting grip to snap at her, saying he didn't need her words of lies. But he couldn't, so all he did was accept the hand stroking his hip in a soothing way and her lips occasionally being planted on his neck as she continued to be there for him.

A/N; Sev needs some comfort today, guys!