Remember me

Chapter 43

Nick

You are not worthy of her..

Don't bring her down with you..

You're just like him..

Marilees words echo in my mind as I drive us back to my apartment. Mia is silent beside me, biting her fingers to shreds as she stares out the window. I want to comfort her, I know I should say something- but I can't seem to shake the memories flying through my mind like missiles long enough to get the words out.

Just like Jack. God damned Jack.

I know she's right. Everything Marilee said about me is true. It's a well known fact that my existence brings nothing but bad things to those who get close to me. I am trouble. A burden. A destroyer. Those words and worse have been drilled into my head for as long as I can remember.

According to Jack my mom was high as a kite the day she gave birth to me, and by the time they discharged her from the hospital she had forgotten about my existence entirely. So they handed me over to the man on the birth certificate; Jack Parker. Lord knows why he got it in his head that it would be a good idea to try to raise me. But he did, and he sure as hell never let me forget it, not once. I was unwanted and a burden, and I owed him for taking me in.

"Nick"

I look up and realize I'm parked outside my apartment complex. I don't even remember driving here.

"Nick"

I turn my head and look at Mia. Or at-least in the general vicinity of her face. God, I can't bring myself to look at her.

"Damnit Nick, I'm talking to you!" Mia slides out of her seat and onto my lap, taking my face in her hands. "I know what you're doing. You're replaying Marilee's words and finding truth in them. But she's wrong Nick. You are none of those things. And most of all you are not Jack."

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly. She's wrong. I am a lot of those things. But the worst part is nothing Marilee said has swayed me at all. I know that's what she was trying to do. Trying to plant a seed of doubt that would fester until I decided it was best for Mia if I left her behind.

I guess I'm just too damned selfish because the truth is  that I'm not going anywhere. Mia is the first person who ever showed me love in my life. She's my torch, lighting up the darkness and setting fire to my destruction, and now that's she's mine I'm not letting her go.

What a selfish bastard.

"Nick" Mia repeats, and I finally snap out of it enough to bring my gaze up to meet hers. When our eyes lock I feel my breath come short and my pulse start to pick up. Its pretty obvious by my physical reaction how absolutely wrecked I am. This girl owns me.

Managing a simple nod, I slide Mia once off my lap and trail behind her towards the door. The apartment is dark and cold when we walk in and I catch Mia wrapping her arms around herself, shivering. I head towards the thermostat to turn the heat up before Mia grips my hand tightly and leads me towards the couch, pulling the throw blanket over us. I can tell she's struggling. I've left her enough to know she probably fears that it might be my same reaction this time.

But it won't be. Not this time, and not ever again. I'm hers now, for as long as she will have me.

"Nick, please tell me you don't believe what she said"

I turn towards my beautiful girl, wiping the tear I that I catch slipping from her eye. I won't lie to her. "I'm sorry" I say, instead.

"Sorry for what, Nick?"

I shrug, I'm sorry for so many things. "For leaving, for coming back, for causing this rift between you and your mom" I trail off, struggling to find the right words. "I'm sorry that I'm too selfish to let you go. I don't want to let you go."

"Then dont" she says with a sigh.

"I wont. Not again."

Mia relaxes into me, taking my hand and entwining her fingers with mine. I lean my head on hers and exhale, enjoying the comfort of her embrace but still feeling uneasy. My mind is still racing with so many unspoken fears.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

I'm silent for a long moment, trying to organize my anxious thoughts into words. Mia.. she's everything. I'll be hers forever if she will have me. But I'm afraid of myself. Of turning into the man who raised me. I dont want to leave her, but I don't want to destroy her either.

"I don't want to break you" I finally manage to whisper. "I love you so god damned much Mia, but please tell me if I'm breaking you."

Mia leans closer, placing her forehead against mine. "Your not breaking me, Nick. Don't you see? I've never been as whole in my entire life as I am when I'm with you."

I lift my head and meet her gaze, looking into her anxious eyes that are searching for understanding in mine. And I do understand. I really do. I was so lost, so lonely, before her. But now, I feel found.

I've found my home in the arms of a girl who stole my heart when I was 8 years old.