After The End: Book 1

33. Emotional Rollercoaster

"It's okay," Lux said softly.

"Did you enjoy meeting all the rich people?" I mused. "I forgot how many rich people I knew."

I heard her soft laughter a bit closer to me but I kept my eyes closed still. The cool grass was lowering my heart rate and helping me shake the last of my post party anxiety.

"It was more entertaining than I'd expected," she told me.

"Your jealousy of Stella was cute," I added. I probably wasn't supposed to point that out either. "You should know though that she's married."

I felt a nearby thud and peeked over to see Lux settling in the grass on her back beside me about a foot away. She'd released her hair and it was tumbling in curls in all directions in the grass around her. "She didn't act very married,"

"She didn't act married back when I was sleeping with her either," I assured her. "I think she forgets sometimes."

She elbowed me in the ribs and I looked back up at the stars. Only a handful broke through the light pollution of the city.

"I'm not jealous," she added. She didn't even sound like she was trying to be convincing.

"And I wasn't jealous of you flirting with Louis friends," I lied in the same fake tone. I wasn't supposed to say that either. I was being rather bold.

"Of course not," she agreed.

We were silent for a moment.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked me again.

I smirked up at the stars. "I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me. I'm golden."

She sat up and when I didn't look her direction she leaned over my face with a hand planted in the grass by my ear to keep herself balanced. Her eyes stared into mine unreadably. Her hair tickled my nose. "Harry."

"You nagging me about my well-being was easier to stomach when it was accompanied by flattery and sexual propositions," I commented raising my eyebrows at her. What was I doing? I hadn't been this bold with her before. Even when I'd convinced her to stay the other night it had been more emotionally charged than bold. I thought I was okay with us stepping back as just friends, but my rush from escaping the party had clearly emboldened me.

She scrunched her eyebrows and looked at me confused. "You're flirting," she observed carefully.

I was. I was totally flirting. That was dangerous considering the carefully laid out rules we'd made. I couldn't date. I couldn't be anything to her and she couldn't be anything to me. Sex was off limits. We're had to be just friends. That's what the rules said.

How important were those rules anyways? Who said they needed to be followed? Louis surely agreed with them and the man who'd given me the book that dictated my sober virginity had been a doctor so it was safe to say he was qualified. That didn't matter to me at the moment.

What did matter was that I was clean and sober. I had been for weeks. I'd not used drugs for more than two months if I wasn't counting what Jade had done to me. I had held several drinks tonight and I'd not moved to drink them even though there'd been a horrible voice in my brain giving me bad advice. I'd looked at a table covered in thick lines of cocaine, my drug of choice, and I'd walked away. I was handling things. I was doing good. I hadn't hid behind someone else to do that. I was doing everything right but I still wanted her.

The past week of us being at a true arms length from each other had been awful. We had been pleasant and we'd still enjoyed our time together but I knew our interactions were not genuine. The Lux I knew was flirtatious and bold, not reserved and polite. She was quick with her jokes and her objectifications of me, and I had watched her several times this week light up as if she had something clever to say before stopping herself and carefully reeling in her amusement. The only thing worse than not having her in my life at all was watching her dim herself to accommodate me and the needs of my sobriety. I was done watching her do that.