Quantum Of Resistance

Enemy Within

When the walls that surround you are closing in, when what you thought you knew about yourself, turns out to be a myth when everything you have ever believed, is just a notion and nothing else, that is when you begin the quest for truth.

They say there are many versions of the truth, that the truth always has two sides, yours and mine. But all that is bullshit. The truth has no sides, it is absolute, all-pervading, all-encompassing, uncompromising. It stands on its merit, it needs none, it seeks none. 

It is ego, that prohibits one from seeing the absolute truth. The ego that somehow, I have some purpose, that somehow in the vast scheme of Universal things, "I"  am important and irreplaceable, somehow, all things in the universe will collapse or at least come to a grinding halt, if I do not deliver on that purpose. That is why we have so many versions of the truth because each version of the truth has the one creating that version, in the center of the universe. 

That theory of money markets is essential for menkind to keep investing in the stock market, which leads to wealth creation, which leads to more investment in space technology, and that in turn helps in finally understanding our purpose in the universe. 

That non-profit charity organization is so essential to poverty alleviation in Africa, that without it, millions of children will die hungry, Africa will somehow further suffer, that somehow that one charity stands between doom for Africa and hope. 

More the egos, more the purposes, and even more accentuated, the belief that there is some higher purpose, some greater call, awaiting us in this universe.

But Truth is hidden in plain sight, it happens right in front of our eyes, every day, day after day, since the beginning of time and until the end of time. The purpose, the only purpose of all creation, is to go back where it came from.

Why does a river that originates in some unknown spring in the highest peaks of the world, flow down all the way, through stone and plain, into the ocean? Why does a drop of rain, travel miles to fall into the very ocean from where it was born out of, why does a seed, so safely ensconced inside the fleshy inlays of fruit, go back into the soil its mother grew from and germinate into a tree again? WHY? WHY? WHY? 

I did not have answers to those questions, nor were these thoughts even formed in my mind. What I did have that day, inside the washroom, was a real good look at myself. For the first time since I had started chasing my dreams of finding a connection, a tangible connection between the infinite and the finite, I looked at my reflection. I had stopped to assess what I had become. I kept going and going until I had no semblance of where I was headed or where I had come to. I had forgotten all about where I came from, much worse, I had no idea what I had become.

My dream to understand the universe spang from the wonder I felt, just looking up at the sky and gazing at the vast expanse of the unknown that lay right in front of my eyes. The wonderstruck wanderlust, that the velvety sky provoked in me, was the cause of it all. 

Looking at myself in that mirror in the washroom, I was nothing like that little girl, nothing like that Alice in wonderland, who could disconnect from her surroundings just to stargaze in awe. I was simply no longer that. Something fundamentally intrinsic to my journey was missing from inside of me. While I had gained a lot of knowledge, albeit bookish from my education, I knew right through to my bones, something was wrong with this entire approach. So wrong that I could see myself running, constantly, for the last 15, 20 years of my life, running with all my might, on a treadmill. I was headed nowhere and was no better off than when I had started!

I had to figure out what was missing! And so I went back to him.

RCAR Director's Office

Avni rushed through the doors into the chamber of Prof Agnivesh as if the world was on fire. 

The Prof though sat there in a calm posture, looking pointedly at the screen in front of him. He did not even raise an eyebrow at the swiftness with which Avni entered his chamber.

She came as if she was a great Hurricane and stood in front of him, silently demanding he gives her some attention.

He looked at her then, an amused almost sardonic look in his eyes.

"Do you know what I am about to ask you?" she questioned, surprised at how level-headed her voice sounded. Shouldn't she have been surprised at that question?

"You know the answer to that question, still you ask?" he stated, watching her, not giving anything away.

Avni was both baffled and frightened at the same time. 

That is when he got up from his chair and came over to her, all the while watching her with an uncompromising look on his face.

He stood bang in front of her, looking down at her, taking in all the emotions that were sweeping through her. He knew she was battling with a lot . 

Just for a second, Avni saw his eyes change into what she felt was an incredible sweet concern. It immediately triggered in her a need to just be hugged by someone, a need to just be told, everything was going to be ok. 

No sooner had she felt a need to hold on to him, she felt his warm hands gather her into himself. He did it so slowly, so gently and with such utmost sensitivity in his face, that all resistance or even the slightest thought of it, escaped her mind. 

Avni simply folded herself into that gentle, subtle, that most comfortable warmth, the embrace of the professor provided, and for no reason and every reason, the dam inside of her burst. A slow sob in the beginning, until an unknown spring of untold emotions overflowed inside of her, as sob after one muted sob, tore through her.

He knew all too well, that if he touched her, it would have this impact on her. He knew he should have refrained from all physical contact. But he couldn't help himself. He knew she meant for more to him than he had intended and it was already too late.