When I Was Alphie

Chapter Six / Grown Up

"Jesus isn't a bad word, so fuck you."

I've heard enough; I stand and silently walk back up the steps and to my bedroom.

Distraction, I need a distraction. I drop my clothing into my hamper, shrug on an oversized t-shirt, and change from boxers to lace panties. Boxers always ride up my thighs throughout the day and I find this to be especially uncomfortable. It's not like I need to wear them to keep my cock contained, I just wear them because I'm supposed to.

On my windowsill rests two candles, which I light with the lighter I keep in my dresser for this very purpose. Willing myself to breathe deeply and slowly, I sink onto my bed and fight the frustrated tears that threaten to spill down my cheeks. The candlelight flickers across my ceiling and dimly lights my room, making me feel like I'm finally in my own safe bubble. I take a shaky breath and pick up my phone, opening a string of messages that will provide me with something else to think about besides my family talking about me like an object.

Kingof69: i wish you wuld let me see ur pretty face

ThatgrlAnna: I don't send pictures with my face.

Kingof69: what r u wearing tonight? Send me a pic, pls. I've been thinking about ur body all day

I worry my lower lip with my teeth. For the past month, I've been talking to this guy on Grindr, mostly because he's polite and we seem to have more in common than other men I've interacted with on this app, such as our age. He also seems smitten by me; he messages me every morning to wish me a good morning, calls me beautiful, and regularly asks how I am. The sweet messages are sandwiched between the sexual ones, where we exchange pictures.

ThatgrlAnna: I'm having a shitty night. I don't want to send any pictures.

Kingof69: i'm sorry to hear that. If u ever wanted to meet up, you know i'd treat u well, like a princess. people always tell me i'm a great listener

ThatgrlAnna: Really?

Kingof69: i would fuck you like the girl you are. Slow, gentle, and i'd make you cum first. i want to be deep in that ass, making you squirm and moan

ThatgrlAnna: I already told you I don't usually get there. One of my surgeries went badly and now I have a difficult time getting hard. I've never finished from anal.

Kingof69: ur perfect, Anna. i know you can't see it, but ur the most gorgeous girl i've ever seen. all u need is 4 someone to make u feel special and help u relax. I'm touching myself thinking about ur girl dick right now, it turns me on so much

He sends me a video of him masturbating, which I watch with the boredom of someone being forced to watch a training video for work. I've only ever seen his penis, never his face or any other body parts besides his toned lower abdomen. The thing that fascinates me the most is that he is uncircumcised, which we bonded over because he previously told me he's self-conscious about it and that he can somewhat relate to my debilitating dysmorphia surrounding my genitalia.

In response to the video, I take a picture from the neck down, parting my legs slightly so that he can see my underwear.

I don't feel sexy, I feel miserable. Since my meeting at the motel, I feel a faint burn whenever I pee, which I think means I have another bladder infection. The thought of going back to the urologist brings up memories of sitting in a beige room with one of my parents, who would only leave when I had to take my pants off. If I let this go for too long, I'm probably going to get a fever like the last time I chose to ignore the pain. I have decidedly not seen any doctors in two years; there is no reason to now that I've refused hormonal treatments.