Unguarded Love

31-I'm Happy

I breathe through my fears on the way up to his apartment. I love my dad, no matter what we have been through, but I can't keep up this strained relationship for the rest of my life. 

It's like what I keep telling Asa when he talks about his parents. Neither of them try for him and I keep telling him to do whats best for him yet I continue to accept the crumbs my dad gives me and calls it a relationship. 

I want my dad apart of my life but not at the expense of my happiness, not anymore because the fact of the matter is I'm happy. 

I'm finally at a point in my life where I am so utterly happy and if my dad can't accept it because of who is part of that happiness then thats on him, it's no longer my problem. 

I didn't give up the sport I loved for him and I won't give up the guy I love. 

I knock on the door and a beat passes before it opens and my dad appears on the other side. 

He lets me in and we sit down in his living room, I sit on the couch and he sits on the chair across from me. 

"I'm sorry." My dad says and it catches me by surprise. 

He runs a tired hand down his face. 

"I shouldn't have responded the way I did when you told me about you and Brookes." He tells me, "And I'm sorry I made you feel as if I didn't care about you, because I do." I see him, for the first time, choke up. 

At the hospital after my was injured and mom died he seemed sad but he was still put together in the famous Adam Porter kind of way but right now I was sure I was tears in his eyes. 

"You never deserved it, especially from your own father." He clears his throat and sits up straighter. 

"There was a reason you only knew your moms parents." He starts. 

Growing up I only ever saw my grandma and grandpa from my moms side. Whenever I asked my mom why I never saw dads parents she would say she'd explain it to me when I was older but well she never got the chance too and eventually I just never thought much about it again. 

Of course I always wanted to know what happened but I figured they wouldn't keep me from my grandparents for no reason. 

"My dad was strict and not the curfew and not allowing you to go out strict. He kept me on a routine and if I messed up that routine I got punished." he blinks and his eyes grow distant. 

"The punishments aren't something I ever want you to hear about but all I can say is they weren't pretty. My mom wasn't cruel like my dad but she allowed it to happen. She would tell me after that if I just followed his rules it would all be ok." 

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep the tears at bay. 

"Football had been my escape from it all. I didn't play for a future in the sport but I played for a future. One without my parents in it." He tells me and based on the small smile on his face I know his next words will be about mom. 

"I played college ball and lets just say once I was out from my fathers thumb I went a little wild." He laughs, "But then something changed my senior year. I was at a party up in one of the bathrooms when a girl barged in. The moment she realized someone was in there she started profusely apologizing but when I looked at her I could tell she had been crying."

I sit up, paying so close attention to the story I felt like I was on the edge of my seat. 

"Usually my first instinct when I saw a girl cry was run away but not with this girl. I pulled her into the bathroom and shut the door behind us and had her sit on the toilet lid. I remember wiping away her tears that seemed to never stop but eventually they did and she told me what had happened." 

His jaw clenches, "Some guy had invited her and it turned out to be some fucked up dare. He embarrassed her in front of everyone downstairs and she was seeking refuge in the bathroom. Don't worry I socked the guy who did it to her but after that day I basically became that girls shadow. She was scared to allow someone into her heart again but eventually she allowed me a peak inside and in return I let my guard down with her.-

"When I told her about what my father had done to me she didn't pity me or look at me any different. Instead she told me her parents could be mine and that day forward they were. We ended up getting married a month after we graduated college and then two years later you were born."

I sniffle, "I had never heard that story."

I always thought it was weird I hadn't heard how my parents met, all I knew was it was in college. It was another story my mom planned to tell me later but never got to. 

"I never understood what she saw in me you know?" he half laughs half scoffs like he really can't believe it and my mind goes to Asa. 

I guess they really mean it when they say girls with daddy issues pick guys like their father. Oh fuck thats a startling revelation that I really don't want to evaluate right now. 

"When you were born I was terrified." He admits, "Growing up I didn't have the role model parents and I was so scared I was going to mess you up so the older you got the more I focused on my work. I didn't know how to talk to you in a way a parent was supposed to but all I wanted was for you to do something great with your life."

Yeah I'm full on crying now. 

"At night after you would go to sleep your mom would tell me about how you did in school and at practices. I could see how much you loved the sport but I never knew how to connect with you about it and the only way I kind of knew how was through coaching so thats what I did." he says. 

"Then it spilled into things like school and chores and I saw the way you looked at me verses how you looked at your mom. With me it was like you expected the worst but when you looked at your mom it was like she was the center of the universe. She held the answer to all your questions in the palm of your hand and believe me I knew that look so well because I shared the same one when I looked at you-

"I knew that even if I hadn't been the parent you needed your mom was. She would get on to me about showing you how I felt but I just never knew how to show you and when she passed a part of me died with her." his chin wobbles, "But when I heard what happened to you, when I saw you in that hospital room I thought for sure my life was ending.-

"You had lost a part of yourself too and when I walked into that hospital room and you saw me all you did was cry and I felt like that twenty two year old kid again trying to console the only girl I ever wanted to make feel better.-

"After that things went back to normal and I tried to find a way to connect with you but it seemed as if your moms death pushed our further apart. I never wanted you to think I didn't love you because I do love you, I love you so much that it pains me to think you don't see that."

I wipe the tears away and stand. Before he can utter another word I wrap my arms around him too. 

"I'm sorry, dad." I say and he pulls me into him for a tight embrace. 

"I know I pulled away too when you needed me."

"It's not your fault." He argues but I shake my head, "We were both stuck and neither of us knew how to move forward."

I now had a glimpse into my dads life. The way his dad hurt him and his mom validated it forcing my dad to keep his feelings and emotions bottled up. 

I'm glad he found my mom and her parents and I'm glad he has Janet now. 

"I'll try harder, I just want you in my life." He says and I hug him tighter, "I'm not going anywhere."

After we hug it out, literally, I go to sit back on the couch. I decide I'll stay here tonight for dinner, just the two of us. 

"And I really am happy about you and Brookes." He tells me, "He's a good kid and I see the way he looks at you. It's like how I looked at your mom, as if you hold his world in the palm of your hand. Make sure he's good to you but you be good to him yeah?" he asks and I nod. 

I have no intention of ever hurting Asa. 

Dad and I talk more and he promises to make more of an effort and so do I. 

All I have ever wanted was a real relationship with my dad and I think I'm finally getting it.