I have no focus today. I'm always anxious. I can't concentrate on the simplest of tasks for two seconds. My math book sat open, but I didn't have enough focus to make any sense of anything. That assignment is sitting unwritten as I write because I need some time to vent something that has just happened.
It's about midnight. I'm listening to music and trying to gain some focus and do the math assignment that has been taunting me all day. Last night I got three hours of sleep because I couldn't fall asleep because I was wide awake and anxious. When I finally do fall asleep, I can't stay asleep. Today, I don't feel tired. I feel anxious still, and unfocused. I don't know why.
What's wrong with me?
I ask this question on a daily basis.
Music is an outlet for me. If there wasn't music I would be sucicidal if not, dead. Music helps me calm down. Music helps me express myself when words can't do it. Music helps me block out things I don't want to deal with.
Anyways, I'm sitting in my room trying to focus, and I'm listening to music. My dad comes in ands says goodnight. He sees me trying to do my homework and listening to music. He says, "Get to bed soon, because I'm waking you up tomorrow."
I was in a low mood. (Especially from my anxiety.) So I mumble, "It doesn't make a difference anyway.."
He asks what I said.
I tell him never mind, and it doesn't matter.
He says, "You should have done that earlier," nodding toward my math book. "Instead of listening to that damn music all the time."
That crossed my line.
In my low mood, now I was mad. I don't yell. I know better than that. He will find a way to come out on top, despite if he was right or wrong, or if what he's doing is fair or unfair.
But that still crossed my boundaries, and I don't set a lot of boundaries.
I carelessly closed the math book shut and said, "None of it makes a difference anyway!"
"What?" he asks.
"Whether or not I'm listening to music while doing my homework..."
...And the argument goes on and on.
But he just doesn't get it. Math is important. I get that. I'm at least making an effort to do the assignment. He doesn't understand that music is such a huge calming, impacting, factor of my life. He doesn't see that doing my assignments relative to if I listen to music during them has a positive effect.
In the end he tells me I need to think about my priorities, so he shuts off my light and leaves. This makes my patience thin. My anger is churning, and burning inside. My attention span is even shorter.
Tonight I know will be even harder to fall asleep then last night.
