It Should Have Been Like This

Book Eight: painful memories

   "I'll show dad, he'll encourage me," and with that, she ran pass me to meet her father. I stood up shaking my head. "Dad, look what I drew!"

   "Five, four, three, two, one." I counted. Rominic's laugher boomed into the house, like a very funny thunder. That got the kids laughing hard. I rolled my eyes and walked towards the stairs. Sera would bring my bag.

   "Stop laughing! My donkey is offended!" I laughed as I ran up the stairs. The more I climbed, the lesser their voices became. The moment I stepped into my room and shut the door, I could no longer hear them. Sadness came upon me like a sudden fever. Every amusement or joy I had earlier was gone, not even the guilt or sheepishness. It was just simply sadness.

   I strolled to my bathroom, hugging myself in deep sadness. It felt like I was being drowned and every means of air was shut out. My eyes stung like I hadn't slept for days and my head suddenly felt like it was heavy. I turned on the faucet, pressed my weight into it and washed my face in splashes, hoping to get rid of the pain and sadness.

Why was I sad?

   I wasn't suppose to be sad, but maybe I was suppose to. My sadness was conflicted, that's just it. Maybe it was because I felt lonely. I'd always felt lonely but kept it hidden by working and focusing on my children. But now they didn't need me much and the reason for my loneliness was a finger away, it was gnawing at my heart. The questions I asked myself years ago came back. It had always been hidden in my head, but the earlier event unburied them.

Did I not love him enough?

   I gave him everything I knew I could, I trusted him with my life. Even when my best friends told me that something wasn't right about him, even when they got enough proof, I still didn't believe them. I pushed them away, I ended my life time friendship for him. I said so many cruel words to my best friends just to defend him. What didn't I try? Is it the insane sex or the advices? Is it how supportive I was of him? Yes, I had my flaws, but I learnt to hide it for him or better it for him.

   I never discouraged him once if the idea was great, instead, I helped him. I would stay up for nights, trying to assist him with thinking or just helping him be calm enough to think. I cooked, I cleaned, I adored and worshipped him. No matter what cruel things he said when angry, I swallowed it and smiled like it never happened. It's not nice to rate myself, but I knew deep in my heart and the very core of my soul that I did nothing wrong. I did everything that would make him fall in love with me, I tried my best.

My best was not enough.

   The moment he had the chance, he threw me away, tossed my effort and memories like a dirty crumpled up paper. He threw my future away, threw my career and hope away. He ruined my life, he destroyed me. If it wasn't for my babies, I would have ended my life. I was ready to die.

Rominic destroyed me.

   I slipped to the floor, curling myself up as I let the pent up tears go. Every single thing I'd done for him, every single people I lost and threw away for his sake, it all came back. I miss my friends, I miss them so much. If they were there with me, it would have been better for me. They would have held me. My crazy Koala bear would have dragged me to a club with the gangs and force me to party until I collapse and the next day, I'll feel much more better.

I can't believe I did that to them.

   "Lavender, you are so stupid," I hated myself for being such a fool, for being a complete asshole to those who stood by me when I was down. I hated the woman he made me be, I hated the woman I turned myself into. But most especially, I hate Rominic more.