Gaslighter

11

          Regardless, I shouldn't be drinking. I couldn't hold my alcohol that well, even though I was better than Savannah, and I'd already had my fair share during dinner, yet there I was. My alcohol consumption had increased throughout the years, with me switching from the occasional Manhattan cocktail ever since I first tasted it to varying qualities of wine. I was more careful now, limiting my social circle just enough so I wouldn't feel pressured to drink more than I could handle, but also remembered to hold myself accountable.

          I brought back two glasses of wine and the bottle, just in case. I kept it far from his papers, books, and laptop, scared to death I'd knock it aside and spill its contents all over something important, and sat down on the chair I was previously concerned about breaking.

          I wasn't sure how long I waited for him to say something. I didn't want to be the one to break the silence and make him lose focus, after he had spent hours and hours staring at a laptop grading papers, but my nerves were gnawing at my flesh, devouring me alive. All the while, I sat there, drinking my wine and refilling the cups whenever one of us finished theirs, and waited.

          "Have you and Savannah sorted things out?" he eventually asked, without looking at me. I blinked, mentally cursing my alcohol-induced slower reflexes. Everything blurred around me, a sensation I knew all too well, and I pressed my feet against the floor in an attempt to not be thrown off the edge. "Wasn't that why you stayed in?"

          "Yeah." I shifted in my seat, staring at my distorted reflection on the glass. "I don't think she suspects anything. She seemed to forget she was upset by the time we were done with the first bottle." I refused to think about how that statement could also apply to me. "Still, um . . . I still feel bad about the whole situation. Savannah has always worked so hard, ever since I first met her, and her GPA is far, far better than mine. It just doesn't feel right to steal a spot that should have been hers, and it doesn't feel right to be entitled to deciding who gets to be part of your advising group. I know you can't take it back, but you could maybe email her and explain—"

          "You know I can't explain why she didn't get picked."

          "Was I the only reason why? If I hadn't asked you to not choose her, would you have picked her?"

          Chase sighed. "I don't know. Probably." He closed his laptop. "We both knew there were sacrifices we would have to make. We understood there would be things we'd have to let go of. If she really is that smart and hardworking as you're making her out to be, I'm sure she won't run into any issues with declaring an advisor. I'd be more than happy to write her a letter of recommendation." He rose from his seat, leaving his laptop, papers, and books exactly where they were, but picked up the glass of wine. "I'm sorry you had to do something you didn't like, but we promised each other we'd do whatever it took to make this work. I don't want to flush the past three years down the drain over something like this."

          "She's my best friend. I had to sit there and lie to her face while trying to comfort her, and she had the nerve to comment on how great of a friend I was. Ingrid wanted me to stay in so we could offer her proper support, and all I could think about was how it was my fault. How is any of that fair?"

          "The same friend that stood by while one of her friends spiked your drink three years ago?"

          My stomach tightened. "So is that what it was all about, then? Revenge? Revenge on my behalf?"

          "I don't get involved in petty student drama, Penn. I just find it hard to feel that bad for her when she played a considerable part in what happened to you." He finished his wine. "All I've done so far has been to protect you. That's it. Both of us have had to make sacrifices, especially when different areas of our lives intersect. You're not the only one who has had to lie to people and make excuses to cover for this relationship."