A never ending story.

K.

  

Cold...

That's all I could think as his hands wondered my body. I didn't like these hands, not at all. All I wanted was this to be over. I wanted him gone and I wanted to lock myself in the bathroom again. I wanted to scream but the thick blankets he put over my face stopped me. I couldn't breathe, I need to breathe.

As cars went by I flicked my eyes open. I hated my brain sometimes because I didn't have to be asleep in order to dream. Because memories are always coming and going, new ones old ones. Daydreaming is almost more evil then dreams I would say. For others a dream is mostly fake or some people tell them it's signs for your future or some bullshit but, mine. Yes mine are not fake, I only wish they were. Looking down between my feet, dangling off of this very high bridge I stayed silent with no emotions among my face. I stared blankly down below finding it weird how all I had to do was lean a little more over this edge and all this pain would be gone, all gone and over with. Only suffering with a traumatic childhood means you have a hard time with love, loving so many people stops you from taking those few more steps closer to the edge. Because even though the screaming and fighting breaks your heart more and more each day you still love them, and no matter how bad someone shattered your heart if YOU still love them it's never easy to just leave. Taking a deep breath in of the cold crisp air evening was arriving. The sky was a pale pink and blue, the clouds were grey and light. The sun hiding behind the end of the world only covering the world in a small bit of light. Standing up I felt my body shake, it ached and screamed at me to eat or lay down. It has been to heavy to carry these last few days. My hair blew in all sorts of directions as I started my walk down off the bridge and past the stores. I kept my eyes on the ground watching as I created small foot prints in the snow, I couldn't help but stare at the millions of other footprints wondering what all those lives are like, who's are they? Are they old or young? Have they ever experienced what I have or do they struggle to love this world?. Small snow flakes started to fall as all the stores windows started lighting up the streets. It was cold. I hated the cold because it just reminded me of hands. I couldn't stand people touching me or getting to close, I could never understand how everyone was so touchy and adored hugs. Watching people hold hands and cuddle one other will always confuse me. Cold hands...

Be quite okay?

" I don't want to do this anymore, please."

If you love me you will.

Cold hands kept running up and down my legs. I didn't like his hands anymore. They no longer felt safe or loveable.

I gave my head a small shake looking back up ahead of me. My brain loved playing tricks on me, I like to wish that I could be small and young again only for the fact I would have a small brain again, the first of being able to forget or shake a problem away would make this all so much better. I let my face fall in a small disappointed look as I felt my arms sting underneath my sleeve again. People don't understand going so long without pain could drive you to the point of needing to feel any sort of pain. When mental pain becomes all to much it drives you to do crazy things. I no longer liked looking at my body, instead I hid under very thick sleeves and jeans. I avoided mirrors because those would show me, and seeing my body only brought back more pain and memories. I couldn't run my hands down my body without them feeling like his.

Trauma works in funny ways huh?.

Walking through the thick trees it started to snow a lot more now. The sky was dark and covered with a thick blanket of fluffy grey clouds. The snow is so pretty, pretty but I hate how cold it is. Snow brought me so much pain yet so much peace all at the same time. It's the small little things you start to notice all kind of act the same, blades bring peace but then pain, and as snow and holidays bring peace yet so much pain. Standing beneath a dying street light I layed down, my body is to heavy to carry. Looking up I never realized how beautiful snow is when it falls under street lights. Many people don't know why it gets so silent when it snows. Snow is so thick that when it falls it blocks any noise travelling and slows it down, therefor it's quite. It's quite and peaceful. I always enjoyed this as a kid. Laying down in the snow, especially at night. Something about snow storms at night is just so beautiful. Not many people like to see the beauty behind storms like these. They always get mad about the ice or how it blocks views. Nobody likes to just stop and take a moment to look at it, take it all in and accept that it may seem ugly or angry. But truly it's absolutely beautiful and full of magic.