Ours is the Darkness

The Blackbird and The Phoenix

Author's note

The team is Prentiss, JJ, Hotch, Spence, Tara, Morgan, Garcia, Alvez, Simmons, Callahan and Rossi. These were my favourite members of the team and I always thought their dynamic would be so interesting together. Like imagine Derek, Matt and Luke all playing sports and working out together while Spence keeps score and Derek tries to set Penelope and Luke together. I could defo see Tara and Kate being best friends and easily slipping into the girls dynamic.

THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN UPDATED- PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU LIKE IT. 

Emily:

The idea of laying in bed for hours after I wake up feels like a nightmare. I would rather go for a jog or try and bully Sergio into showing me some affection  than be alone with my thoughts for too long. 

Recently, my thoughts have been obsessive, borderline dangerous. My compartmentalisation skills have been failing me. Instead, my mind has been captured and held hostage by blonde hair and blue eyes. Shaking the intrusive thoughts  from my head , I roll out of bed and get ready for work. Usually I like how fast and stress free my mornings are. But yesterday, hearing Hotch describe how Jack had taken 40 minutes to convince to take off his buzz lightyear costume before he went to school and how Matt and Kirsty had been caught in a compromising position by their twins, I could not help but feel that something or someone was missing. Do not get me wrong I am used to a solitary routine. I hardly had doting parents watching my every move and without siblings there was hardly any competition for who was going to use the bathroom first. I guess I convinced myself that I liked it. 35 years of successful pretence, I should have known that I would eventually falter. 

Often, the other members of my team complain when cases go on for too long and they don't get to see their families. Rossi usually just complains that his mansion is getting cold without him.  Personally, I welcome the long trips away. The truth is, I dread those drives home when I realise I am going back to an empty apartment. No kids running to the door shouting for their mom or a spouse to tell me how happy they are that I am home and that they missed me.  All my life I avoided gaining permanent people. No serious boyfriends or friends that would be close enough to even want to check on me.  I always thought that leaving people behind would hurt, better to have no one at all.  

Then I met my team. My family now. Growing those close bonds made me feel welcome, accepted , but it also made me realise how much I had been missing over the years and just how much I had been hurting myself.  

As I drive to work , coffee in holder and bagel on my lap, I look out at suburbia as I leave D.C on my way to Quantico. I grew up in areas like this when I was not at boarding school. I always feared coming back to them. I know what goes on in those houses. Husbands who cheat, wives who drink too much and children who are masters at lying. They step outside every day with painted veneers of laughter and smiles believing that no one would be any wiser. Now I realise, that not all of those houses are the same. That I could have created something peaceful and joyous of my own , where the smiles and laughter were sincere and not store bought. As I grab my bag and step out into the parking lot a crushing sensation fills me as I  realise that I may have  missed my chance. 

Before my self-pity session can get even more depressing, someone bumps their hip into mine.

"Good morning to you too JJ" I wince look away from her in an attempt to stop a blush developing on my face. She literally only touched my hip and here my thoughts are running at a million miles a minute thinking of scenarios like a teenage boy.