SYMBOLS

CHAPTER 19

Janeway retired to her quarters with a sleepy Tayna following close behind. It was getting late and Chakotay had insisted she take a night off from working on the bridge.

She filled the bathtub with water and set about making up the portable bed that Crewman Chell had helped her carry into her quarters.

It was a unique situation. Tayna was traumatized and homesick, and the suggestion she revisit the quarters she'd shared with Kylani, return to sickbay, or move in with anyone else, had brought on an unending tantrum accompanied by a torrent of tears. Until, like so many parents and guardians before her, after an hour of attempted bribing, distraction and failed negotiations, the insurmountable Captain Janeway had eventually conceded for a bit of peace and quiet. After all, it was only one night.

The sound of splashing in the other room alerted her to the need to remove the child from the tub. She waded through the puddles Tayna had created from her play. Gently she scrubbed the child's hands and arms and removed all the paint marks Tayna had decorated herself with during the doctor's impromptu lesson on the link between medicine and art. That was before Harry had tried to teach her the basics of the clarinet, Chakotay had taken her horse riding on the holodeck, and Seven had overwhelmed her with a tour of astrometrics. She'd had a day of indulgence and over-compensation, something she sorely needed. Finally Janeway pried the playdough from the ends of Tayna's hair, courtesy of the hour she'd spent with Tom Paris.

Janeway reached for the plug and threw a towel over the sopping floor. It had been a very long day and she sighed as she mopped up the excess water and soap bubbles.

She wrapped the dripping child in a large beige towel, dried her off, helped her slide a set of newly replicated pajamas over her arms and legs, and requested Tayna sit still as she ran a hairbrush through the damp, red-gold tangled curls on her head. And when she was finished, she tucked Tayna into bed and began to ready herself for sleep.

"Can I brush your hair?" Tayna asked, tossing back the covers and sitting up in her makeshift bed. The captain stopped in front of the mirror and caught sight of her own ruffled locks.

"I thought you were going to sleep," Janeway said. She walked past the bed and tickled Tayna's feet, sending the child into fits of giggles.

It was late. She was tired, and she figured Tayna should be tired.

"Okay, just a few minutes." She relented and passed Tayna her brush.

"It's so pretty," Tayna remarked, as she brushed the captain's hair with continuous straight strokes.

Kathryn was surprised to find the slow brushing motion was very relaxing, and even somewhat therapeutic. She hadn't sat still like this for a long time. The child was being very quiet and it gave her time to think. Then she began to experience a sensation she hadn't felt in a long time and it threw her off guard. She knew the undefined feelings were linked to seeing some of her own likeness reflected in the child's image. That was definitely the link, the trigger which set her mind racing.

The years she'd spent on Voyager had helped her gain masterful control over her emotions, most of the time. Of course, she was still human and had moments of weakness, but they were few and far between and rarely for public display, and she didn't really consider the prospect of a biological clock as even relevant to her. Yet as she sat beside the little girl, she experienced the biggest wake-up call she could remember. Her insides knotted and Kathryn instantly cast her mind back to the first time she'd been overwhelmed by the sensation.

They'd talked about it. Well, at least Mark had speculated on what it might be like to have a family. He'd had such a traditionalist upbringing and considered it a natural progression of their long-standing relationship. But his words, no matter how convincing, had always filled her with conflict. He was standing behind her again, his strong hands massaging the stress from her shoulders, while he second guessed her feelings and planted feather-light kisses on her neck. But she wasn't keen to revisit the scene and hurriedly buried it deep in the back of her mind, as she fought against her climbing pulse.

Then she was with Phoebe. Her sister's dark curls surrounded her glowing face. Kathryn saw her sister as the ultimate depiction of motherhood and her scapegoat for not having to provide a child herself. At least not for a few more years or until Gretchen Janeway decided she wanted a granddaughter. Although she did wonder whether Phoebe might fulfill that directive too, and get her completely off the hook. Then she was handed the blue-blanketed bundle.

Kathryn looked down at the sleeping infant. She kissed the soft hair on his head. He smelt like baby powder and warm milk. Her nephew was so tiny, so perfect. She ran her finger over his little curved lips, and he stirred and tried to latch onto her, ready to suckle. Carefully, she handed him back to his mother, and for just a brief moment, she wondered whether she hadn't made a big mistake, letting Phoebe jump the queue and provide the first grandchild. But the thought was only fleeting.

The sensation had caught her by surprise at first. She thought she was immune to such emotional luring. She'd always preferred absoluteness and predictability, while she knew children were absolutely unpredictable entities. Yet by some inexplicable means, she had slowly become drawn to the idea. She had even felt the all-encompassing sensation again when Q reminded her that she might never have a child and had tried to entice her into having one with him.

Kathryn deemed the passing of time unimportant. Living on Voyager, being her tireless Captain, often blurred the days, until months, even years had slipped by. Not that she regretted her situation. She'd long ago accepted it, found the positives in it and moved on. But with her growing maturity, she did recognize she still had one unmet need, the one calling out to her as she sat beside Tayna. Simply titled, it was the need to nurture.

Without the classic Anawin forehead markings, Tayna could easily have been mistaken for her own child, and Kathryn allowed the feeling to wash over her for a few seconds longer before she let the thought go.

The brush strokes had slowed, and she turned to see Tayna cover a huge yawn with her left hand while her right hand continued to brush, as if on autopilot. Kathryn gazed at the child and realized it was not her own likeness reflected in Tayna's face. It was the image of another woman - a mother who would most likely be overcome with grief at the loss of her daughter. A vivid picture formed in her mind and she drew strength from the image, and the surety she needed to lead her crew on, to ensure the fulfillment of their mission.

"I think that's enough for now." She thanked the sleepy-eyed child and removed the brush, which was still tightly clenched in the little girl's hand.

Tayna slid under the covers and rested her head on the pillow. Kathryn looked down and saw the little girl's heavy eyelids start to close. In all the years she'd spent aboard Voyager, never before had she ever allowed herself to take on the role of protector, guardian and playmate.

Then in an almost dreamlike state, Tayna sat up and reached her arms around the captain's neck.

"Goodnight," Kathryn said in response, before she reclined the child back down onto the pillow. Kathryn caught a glimpse of her own mother in the action. Gretchen Janeway had always been such a wonderful, loving mother.

Tayna yawned. Kathryn leaned down and began to pat the child to sleep. Tayna was fast asleep within seconds, curled up on her side, with her hands securely clasped around the treasured Talaxian doll.

Kathryn sat on the edge of her bed and pondered the child's chance of survival on a world that ruled in favor of 'genetic purity' rather than precious innocence. She watched the little girl sleeping. Tayna's eyelids were flickering. She hoped the dream was a pleasant one. Then she pushed aside the barrage of sensations that still rippled through her mind and body, before deciding she too had better get some sleep and requested that the computer dim the lights.