Wounded Healers: Azriel x Gwyn

What Ifs and Might Have Beens

Try as she might, Gwyn could not focus on her novel. She sat in her room attempting to read before bed, but she simply couldn't develop the concentration necessary. She felt restless, and she couldn't understand why. It was almost as if her body knew something that her consciousness could not quite figure out yet. 

She didn't feel like working off her nerves in the training ground, nor did she feel inclined to play with herself. She didn't even think she could blame her current state of dissatisfaction on her crush being mated to her best friend. 

Gwyn learned long ago from experiencing loss and heartache far worse than that of her romantic troubles that the stages of grief were not linear. She felt she had made great progress in making herself get over Cassian - she teetered between acceptance and depression daily, mourning a love that never was and never could be.

Azriel was correct in his observation: Gwyn's world had been rather small, so she naturally developed strong feelings for the first male that was gentle and kind to her. But spending so much time with Azriel had made her realize that there were other kind males in the world who were worth having; and that she was more sexually resilient than she thought. Her exploits with Az helped her greatly in adopting a new mindset regarding Cassian and Nesta. That mindset was that the Mother knows best; and none of her "what ifs" regarding Cassian mattered because it was not "what was". 

She supposed her love of romance novels had been a double-edged sword. The smut had helped her unlock her sexuality, but the romance had given her completely idealistic fantasies of love and of males. She had to embrace the reality of her situation, and found that she was doing better and better at doing so. She had made fantastic all-around personal growth recently: she made a new friend in Az; her Valkyrie training was going well, and she was getting more comfortable with the outside world. She also felt just as proud of what Az was helping her accomplish - sexual healing. The combination of these accomplishments made her feel optimistic for her future.

But currently, as Gwyn fidgeted around her room, this optimism was inaccessible. She felt anxious, though she didn't know why. She headed to the training ground, if only to sit and stare at the moon.

Staring at the same moon from a balcony in the House of Wind was Azriel. He wondered if Elain knew that he was banned from going there, and from being with her alone. Perhaps it would be better if she thought he stayed away of his own free will. It would make her hurt more, and therefore hate him. It was easier that way than to wonder forever what might've been. 

He remembered Rhysand's words to him on Solstice: You feel that you deserve to be her mate?

Though he knew the word "deserve" was in reference to Az's suggestion that the three brothers should be with three sisters, it still felt like a punch in the gut. It unintentionally reinforced his own feelings that he wasn't worthy of Elain even if she were unattached to Lucien. He nearly started down his spiral once more down this thought process before Gwyn's words echoed within his mind next. 

Gwyn had told Azriel that it seemed he had a pattern of picking women who he knew, deep down, that he could never make it work with. He was self-sabotaging to reinforce how how he felt about himself; that he didn't deserve happiness. Rhysand seemed to think that his feelings for Elain were mostly lust. Az had never been one to be driven by his lust - such a man would lack the discipline necessary to be a warrior. He wouldn't deny that he lusted for Elain. But he simply couldn't accept that lust and self-hatred would cause him to feel this miserable at the fact of her mating bond. 

Though, Azriel did have to admit to himself that lust may be playing a factor in his strong feelings for Elain, because now that he and Gwyn were releasing sexual energy with one another; he found that he obsessed about Elain less. He found himself thinking of Elain less as he masturbated as well, and of Gwyn more. He had resisted at first, the idea of pleasuring himself to his friend feeling very wrong. To mentally connect with Gwyn's image while he stroked his cock felt inappropriate, but he did it anyway. It made him feel guilty on several accounts. Firstly, he felt as though Gwyn may consider it a violation. Secondly, he felt as if he were somehow cheating on Elain, even though that was a ridiculous notion considering that they had no understanding and that she had a mate. His only mental commitment was to himself, that promise being that he would focus on what was real. Not on fantasies or projections.