Yours Truly

Dear,

10/9/2021


Lately I've been thinking, everyone ends up healing right? Or perhaps they at least get better? A friend of mine has ranted on about how frustrated they were of school and mental health problems. They said "Once you're messed up you're messed up forever" but surely not right? It just feels that way, right? There's some things that can't be healed but mental health can right? Sure some can't be healed but you feel a lot better at times.

I can't help but be frustrated with myself. One thing I feel like I've noticed- is that most people, that has ranted to me, has said they feel cursed in some way. Whether it's with love, deaths, friends, luck, anything really. I didn't understand at the time why one would think it's a curse, but if anything I feel like I've encountered my curse. A curse like I can't be happy for a whole week. A big joyful event could happen and the night of that, I'm bawling my eyes out. Something bad always happens the night of something soo enjoyable for me. It makes me think I'm unlucky in general.

I do feel a lot better than I ever did back then, but sometimes I don't feel ok for no reason at all. Though I'm not close to my other friends, I prefer it that way. I moved away from my big friend group and now I'm only close to 2 people. I'm happy with them. Let's name them Aashi and Ren, for some reason those names are special to me. Aashi skips school a lot, it's too frustrating for her. I can understand at times, teachers are annoying when they assume things that aren't true, teachers always talking about our future plans, oh let's play the get to know each other game! I'm ok with all of that- or most of the time, or perhaps now I just don't care. Aashi seems to been in a dark place of her life right now, I wish I could do something to help. Aashi really hates talking about the future, though me and Ren talk about it a lot, because were in our own fantasy. There were a few times where Aashi joined us and we had a blast. Overall I'm really happy with them.

I'm happy in school, though I'm not happy in the class with my ex love. It's not that I dislike her, truly I miss her. I miss her dearly. Ever since I "left" the friend group with her, she might just thinks I hate her, or hates me for leaving the group. I don't even want to say I left the group because I still talk to everyone in the group individually in our classes...besides her. Let's give my ex the name Hari. We're so distant, I guess it was true when they said you can't be friends with your ex. I tried. I tried to, but she didn't seem to be trying. So I stopped. Occasionally I would talk to her because of a group work. When I do, I feel happy, but not. Though I'm talking to her, everything still feels so distant. She didn't even tell me she got with someone, I must've cried right? But I didn't. I felt as if she was happy, as if she was more happy with this someone. But later..for some reason I got a strange feeling that she isn't happy with them, and it makes me feel sad. She still talks about many things that would have hurt me a lot, only because I'm a jealous type. "We played video games last night", "ah she's so awesome", "I made so many new friends". Normally I would be happy for her when she talks about how happy she is with her accomplishments, but that has changed a lot. Even so I miss being her friend. I miss our long conversations, I miss our late night calls when we just play games till I pass out on call, I miss our stupid fights about my minecraft pet, I miss how she would ramble on about stupid things, I miss seeing her smile around me. She doesn't smile around me. It hurts. It hurts remembering how she said she would make me love her no matter what, it hurts remembering how she said she would stop me from leaving her, but why does it seem like you've given up. Where did that inspiration go? Why is it that you can easily move on from heart breaks? Every relationship you've told me about, you have never went through so much, but you did for me. I've caused you so much pain, but your mindset doesn't go to "I cried too much to let you leave." Why is it that I have attachment issues? Why do I have to love someone for so long that I can barely live without them? Why can't I move on from anyone. Why can't I let anyone go. Not even my toxic online friends. They ruined my life so much but I can't throw them in the dump.

Living is hard. I hate it. I hate everything but I'm still here. I hate having to deal with this pain once the weekend comes by. Why am I still here? Yes, I do want to live for my family, for my friends, for my pets, to see my future. But if anything...it's because Hari thinks everyone around her dies, everyone she loves dearly. Does she still love me? I don't know, but I still want to live to prove her wrong. If I stop killing myself, will she live?

-Yours Truly

I'll have to give credit to Hidee someone I follow, to the last sentence I added.