How To Get a Boyfriend 101

16 : Monday

Well, it's not like I'm going to be talking to him today, anyway. He's doing his thing, and I'm doing my thing. Not that I have a thing. But—yeah. "Shouldn't be that hard today."

But alas, Blake already has his phone out. "Hey Siri," he says. "Call Felix's Boyfriend."

Is Jason really on his phone as "Felix's Boyfriend"? Wow, the dedication, I think. What if Jason loses his phone and we can only use Blake's phone to find it? What then?

My world would end.

"Hello?"

Blake wiggles his eyebrows at me when Jason picks up the phone. "Hi, Jason. I have a question."

"Yeah?" Oh, no.

I beg with my eyes, pleading with Blake for mercy. But it is all to no avail. "Do you have any really unpopular opinions or ways of life? Felix, here, is in need of an argument and you seemed like the perfect guy... to call."

My death glare makes Blake pretend to die.

"F-Felix?" Did he stutter? Dang, that's the second time that the mere mention of me has made him stutter. Maybe he's afraid I'll destroy him in this uncalled-for argument. "Uh, I pour milk in before cereal."

"Oh! I put milk in first, too," I lie. Blake gives me a look that says he doesn't believe me. Which makes sense, considering the fact that he watched me eat breakfast and saw the cereal go in the bowl first.

"Really?" Jason asks. "Oh, uh... I put jelly before peanut butter."

"J-Jelly? Before p-peanut but-ter?" I echo, nearly screeching. Blake is shaking with laughter, his face turned away from me. Oh, dear Lord, how could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes; I've got nowhere to run. The night goes on as I'm fading away...

I shake my head to clear it. That song has been stuck in my head ever since I first listened to it, in 2009. I should sing it in the talent show, to be honest. Maybe that would get rid of it. If I'm publicly humiliated, then my brain won't force me to relive it. Either that, or I'll have PTSD forever, but it's alright. Well, no. But—

"Like, when I'm making a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, I put the jelly on first," Jason is saying.

I gasp. "That's a crime! Doesn't the jelly smear in an ugly way? How could you eat that?" There's silence from Jason's end of the call, and I remember that Blake is listening through speakerphone. He dramatically gestures at How to Get A Boyfriend 101.

Scrap minus the S.

"Uh—"

"Wait, I'm sorry," I rudely interrupt Jason. Jeez, Felix, how much can you ruin things? "I shouldn't, er, yuck your yum. It all ends up as a jumbled mess in your stomach, right? It shouldn't matter what order you put them in."

"Felix, I—"

"Furthermore," I say, "uh, we're all entitled to our own opinions."

Blake clears his throat, coming closer to his phone's microphone. "Ahem. Felix, didn't you want to argue, though?"

"It's really fin—"

"Actually, Blake, you wanted to argue with me. I think we should leave Jason out of this."

"Guys—"

"Well, Felix, I think that's quite considerate of you," Blake spits back at me. "I was just trying to help you get rid of your need to fight someone."

I nearly snarl at him. "Thank you so much. This argument with you just butters my croissant."

"Guys!" Jason yells into his phone, startling both of us. "I was literally kidding about the peanut butter sandwich."

"Is that Blake and Felix?" Russell's voice asks, entering the conversation. I internally sigh, because if I show Blake that I'm not over my sighing problem he'll call a mental institution. "Tell them I say hi," he says, before fading back out.

"Russell says, 'Hi.'"

"We could tell," Blake retorts. "Tell him I say hi."

"I also say hi!" I add.

Jason audibly exhales before hanging up.

"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" Blake asks in a sickly sweet voice, putting an arm around my shoulders. I shrug him off, glaring.

Someday, Blake Turner, I will get you back.

Not today, though.

Today, I finish my math packet.