How To Get a Boyfriend 101

13 : Friday

By now, my jaw has gone slack.

"I—"

"Is there a problem?" the teacher asks, approaching our table. "Felix, what have you done? Are you eating the seeds?"

Russell smirks.

"M-maybe? Sorry, t-teacher," I stutter. The teacher smiles and shakes his head.

"Detention, but I ran out of sunflower seeds to give out. You'll have to share with Russell, I suppose. Just don't eat his seeds."

Russell snorts, unable to control himself anymore. The teacher glares, realizing what he said, and turns back to the rest of the class.

"You won't eat my seeds," Russell whispers, sure of himself, "because you'll be too busy devouring Jason's."

~~~~~~~~

I'm going to strangle Blake.

Like, kill him, then kill Russell, then destroy both of their bloodlines.

And delete Blake's Minecraft account.

Just in general, I hate Blake.

I get that it's hard to believe that, considering how earlier I said that I actually love him and would give him the world if he asked for it.

But now... I hate him.

This is the point where you ask me why, I whisper to my imaginary audience that totally doesn't exist.

To answer the burning question, I only need five words: Somehow Russell knows my crush. And the only person who knows about my slight obsession with Jason is Blake, who recently became buddy-buddy with Russell, although there was that one more-than-awkward spot in the cafeteria a few days ago, where Blake and Russell had an unpleasant exchange—well, it was more than unpleasant. It felt as though the inner asteroid belt suddenly gave into the Sun's gravity, and since it's pretty close to Earth, we got the brunt of the attack, causing humankind and dogkind and catkind and all kinds of kinds to be wiped out within instants. Anyway, they made up—Russell and Blake, not the Sun and asteroids—so I'm definitely missing something there. Perhaps the gravity between them was too strong, and some kind of random eclipse happened, or maybe people decided that Pluto's a planet again, and Blake and Russell commemorated the occasion by making up. And probably making out, too, but I'm still waiting on those details from Blake. But I'm not going to push him on this sensitive topic. I already know he feels guilty enough.

Well, anyway, according to scientifically proven facts, the only conclusion that can be drawn from this is not hard to see. Blake let it slip that I like Jason, and now Russell's going to tell him. Then, our Sun will burn out and all will be well, because I can't deal with that kind of humiliating rejection. My style of love is the protagonist-in-a-teen-movie kind, where I like a person for years on end, but they don't know that I exist until I am an idiot and walk up to them and their friend. Well, it's not like I've done that more than once, but I can't really imagine myself with anyone who isn't Jason.

Jason and I are in a complicated relationship. Well, at least to me it's complicated.

Okay. Let us analyze my digital scrapbook.

First, we have The Background. It's super interesting and green.

Now, Blake and I, as you well know, used to be friends. That ended when I deleted his Minecraft account. Russell and I aren't friends anymore, either. That's Blake's fault. (Okay, so I just want to say that of course I'm still friends with Russell and Blake, it's just... I have anger that I am unwisely taking out on two of my only three friends).

Jason and I... well... wasn't that the purpose of the love web? I used to think Jason was really popular and had a lot of friends, but now that I've gotten to know him better it's a little more complicated. He is friendly with a lot of people, but not friends with them. And I probably idolized him a little too much, because he's also a person.

I don't exactly know why, but if someone really likes someone else, it's like they forget that the person they like is a human. If Jason marries someone who isn't me in the future, then that's fine. Putting all the dramatics aside, if he's happy, then I'm happy. I'll move on, hard as it may be, and find someone else for myself.

Also, I just, like, randomly noticed that I didn't write anything for Russell and Jason's relationship. Whoops... or something. I guess.

As with all diagrams, conclusions must be drawn. No, not artistically, because I have no art skills. Instead, I'll be coming up with a summary of the data.

Here it is.

The moment we've all been waiting for.

The moment when all is revealed.

The moment of clarification regarding my relationship with Jason, or lack thereof.

The moment in which we premeditate Blake's murder.

The moment in which Russell adopts a 100th cat.

The moment in which I reveal all my plans for the future.

It is...

Here:

...

...

...

There are no plans.

I am going to cross every bridge when I get to it, procrastinate, and deal with the consequences eventually.