Sleepy Bois inc short stories

Nobody knows what happened that December

sad little exile fic bc im still not over the exile arc 
Tw for :
S/h
abuse/neglect/
Disordered eating
Suicide attempts/thoughts

674 words

Nobody knows what happened that December

Nobody knows how much I screamed and cried
Nobody knows how much I wanted to see my friends again
Nobody knows how much I hurt during that period of time
and boy let me tell you I hurt so much, both physically and mentally all the damn time.

Nobody knows that I hallucinated my friends showing up because I was so lonely
Nobody knows that I spoke to the trees because I was so lonely.
Nobody knows that I couldn't even get out of bed because my dreams were better than reality...  that is when my dreams weren't horrible nightmares.
Nobody knows that every single day he came by and manipulated me and abused me
Nobody knows that I wanted him to stay when he had to leave because he was the only person i ever got to see
Nobody knows that I woke up in water and almost drowned every morning
Nobody knows that he starved me, he didn't let me eat until I was about to die.
and boy let me tell you I still struggle with eating.

Nobody knows how many times I brought a blade up to my skin and cut deep gashes
Nobody knows how many times I stood at the edge of something tall about to jump
Nobody knows how many times I woke up with lungs filled with water doubting I'd see the surface again.
Nobody knows how many times I got beat so bloody I didn't think that I'd wake up the next morning
Nobody knows how many times I had to beg for food to only be given little scraps.
and boy let me tell you I wish it was less times than it was.

Nobody knows what he did to me
Nobody knows why I flinch every time someone raises their hand
Nobody knows where all the never fading bruises came from.
Nobody knows when my eyes faded from their brilliant blue to the color of morning fog. 
and boy let me tell you I plan to never answer  any of their questions.

But everyone knew I was alone
and nobody ever came to help.

Exile hurt me in a way nothing else could ever even come close to.
Death hurt but it didn't last as long as exile did.
Wilbur's insanity didn't last as long as exile did but was pretty similar.
Exile was long and painful, and I remember every last bit of it but at the same time its all so very foggy.

I was cold and no one was there to hold me and warm me up.
I cried and no one was there to hold me and dry my tears.
I hurt myself and no one was there to hold me and tell me how much they loved me.
I wanted to die and no one was there to hold me and tell me to live.
I was starved and no one was there to hold me and give me fresh meals.
I was beat and no one was there to hold me and patch me up and kiss my bruises. 
He held me though, he made me feel better.
Though he was the one who caused all the hurt he held me afterwards to make me feel better.
What a good friend

...

I looked down at my notebook and down at my poem. Puffy during a therapy session told me to write about my exile though poetry which i thought was quite stupid but now that I've done it, I feel just a little bit better. 
She did want to see what I wrote in my next session but she also told me that if I didn't want to show her I didn't have to. I'll give myself time to think if I want somebody to know how much exile hurt me, I think I would feel better after she reads it.
Then maybe I can give Tubbo the book so he can read it
Then Ranboo, Ranboo was there a little bit during my exile but I doubt he remembers it.

I sighed and closed the book
 Someone has to know what happened that December