Christianity Unraveled

November 4th, 2019

This summer I was in Paris. I learned many things, most of which were that I had a difficult time believing what I was telling people about who God is and his plan for humanity. I learned that what I wanted to say was different from what I was supposed to say, and that evangelism, to me, felt worthless. That I was trying to sell something to someone.

Looking back, I suppose I was right about what I was doing. I was trying to sell the gospel to people who didn't want it sold to them. I was trying to listen to find places to interject about the apologetics I learned previously, I was listening to find their faulty logic, and I was listening to find places to share what I believed (though, I still wasn't positive that what I was saying was true). And though I thought that the entire time I was listening to understand, to care, as I look back I realize that I was listening to sell what I thought was most precious. The gospel and good news of Christ Jesus.

But maybe that's the problem with evangelism. At least the evangelism as I know it today. Grace was always given, never sold. Salvation (whatever that actually means) was only received, not bought into. And yet, that's what I feel each time I am told to evangelize now. I feel wrong, I feel hurtful, I feel insincere. But most of all, I feel as though I am selling the very thing that was meant to never be sold.

Perhaps evangelism isn't actually selling, but it does seem to feel like that – at least the type of evangelism I was always taught about. Go up to a person that you don't know, ask them if they can take a survey for you, ask questions about their life, ask them about their knowledge of Christ, share with them the four points of the gospel. At the end, ask them more questions about what they think, ask them if this is something they're wanting to have, then if so, pray with them the sinners prayer that for some reason guarantees eternal life in heaven.

And the more I feel like I'm selling it, the less I want to do it. Perhaps it's because I don't have the 'gift of evangelism' (but that wouldn't matter since all Christians are commanded to go anyway), but perhaps it's because the more that I think I'm selling it, the more I feel like it isn't something that is sold. Or shouldn't be something that is sold.

Ah. I don't know. I mean, Paul the great apostle probably did something similar (though I doubt he went up to people and asked them if he could conduct a survey). I'm sure Peter and all of the other apostles were talking all the time about it. But I don't know how they did it. I truly do not. And maybe if I knew then I would have a better understanding of how to do it today, and if what I am – well, was – doing is even okay. I'm sure there must be some scripture in there of what they did and said but I haven't looked yet.

Maybe I haven't looked because I just don't want to know or find out. What if they actually evangelized in ways similar to us today? Would I feel as though that is something I should still do? Granted, we don't even do everything the same as they did 2,000 years ago, even in the church, so is finding out what their evangelism looked like even helpful?

There are much too many things to think about and question and ponder. And thus, I digress. What is my problem with evangelism? I truly don't know. It could be a multitude of factors, and what I said may or may not be one of the real factors (one thing that I have been noticing and disliking is how many of the symptoms of what I experience are only that, and they are not the root issue of my problems).

It could be that I am not as in love with God as the evangelists around me, it could be that I simply feel uncomfortable (and I do tend to dislike uncomfortable circumstances), or it could be that I have a problem with it because it may not be what my intrinsic self believes to be true. As I write that, I don't know what to think or say or do, and it feels as though I am walking through the grossest mud I know. And so I won't do anything but wallow in these uncomfortable thoughts, and hope that by staying still, the mess will all become clear in its time.