Wounds to Bind

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"NO!" I scream. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" I cry out. My fists slam into my bathroom door and I violently fling myself at my wall, then collapse on the floor in sobs. I force my body onto my feet again and run into the middle of the room. Then I trip on an overturned chair and fall to the ground. "I CAN'T TAKE IT!" My hands wind into my hair, grip the strand, and yank in frustration. "I feel like an empty carcass. IM so useless." I sob into my chest.

The phone rings and I wait for someone to get it before I realize I'm home alone.

An answering machine retrieves the call, "Tess? Tess?" Its Mackenzie. "Your neighbors called, they said they were hearing screams and banging noises. Tess are you there? Tess?"

My episode hasn't gone unnoticed then. I sob harder. "No one wants me," I breath.

"Pick up the phone!" she demands. "Tess Im coming over," Mackenzie states forcefully and the machine clicks off.

The inside of my body feels ready to implode. My thoughts don't make sense, my breathing stops every once in a while and my brain doesn't seem to work. I feel like I'm in the lowest of the low, the deepest of the deep, I'm at the very bottom. I can't remember what it feels like to be anything but unsatisfied. I have a craving for life and right now, it's as if some one is crushing it. Putting enough pressure on my will to live that soon it will combust as if it didn't exist in the first place. I'm hanging on by a measly thread and I'm not sure how long until my hands get tired of the harsh rope burn and let go.

I roll onto my knees and deeply sob again. When I begin to stand and walk to the bathroom, more grief overwhelms me. It's never been this intense, this hard. I've always felt so completely worthless but everything is so much worse now. I buckle over on the bathroom door before I can muster the strength to enter.

"I never..." My fist connects to the door, "I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS!" My helpless anger washes over me and I screech and pound my fists into the door one after the other, like hurling sandbags, over and over, until I can't feel them anymore. Like they're frozen.

"WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE?" My shrieks echo throughout my room. I feel like a waste of space. I don't know how to stop, I don't want to. I can't take it anymore. I've been so alone. My mother's dead and my father despises my very existence. The only companion I have is always too busy for me, and my boyfriend? Yeah right like I could ever even get one. I'm so gross, so disgusting and derelict, who would ever want me? My brother left us years ago after my mother passed, I guess he didn't want to take me with him. Who would ever want me?

I stand and run at the door. My body is slammed into it in a loud clash and the resounding noise of splintering wood is heard. I fall to the ground once more.

Who would ever want me?

My knuckles seep blood and my side is in so much pain I no longer feel anything else. My whole body is wrought with numbing pain. It makes me feel good. Like I'm drowning and the pain is my relief. The pain is the air I get when I find the surface of the still, black, water.

"No one wants me," I whisper to myself. I stand up and cross the room to my mirror, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" I scream at the girl in the glass. "NO ONE NEEDS YOU, YOU'RE A WASTE OF SPACE!" I grab the first object I find in my peripheral vision, it's my lamp. "LEAVE!" I wail. "YOU'RE HORRIBLE!" I see the girl in the mirror wince at the words."YOU'RE FAT AND UGLY AND COMPLETELY UNORIGINAL! THERES NOTHING UNIQUE ABOUT YOU! EVERYONE'S BETTER THAN YOU, EVERYONE!" The girl in the mirror roars at me."NO ONE WILL EVER WANT YOU!"

I shriek and before I know it my arm is soaring through the air. The lamp leaves my grip and hurtles towards her, in the long glass mirror.

In a split second I hear four different harrowing sounds. A car door slams. Glass shatters. I scream, and someone screams my name.