하루만 ~ Just One Day (Taejoon)

Just One Day

"Taehyung, the thing is..." he starts and clears his throat, trying to word his emotions properly. Namjoon hyung walks and sits on his chair, rubbing his face. I take that cue to seat myself on the bed.

Namjoon hyung removes his hands from his face and rubs his thighs, he takes a deep breath and mutters an 'okay' under his breath. He's preparing himself to say something important. I have no thoughts, as of now I have no expectations of what he wants to say.

Is he going to say that he's moving away back to Ilsan? Does he know what I did?

I am basically expecting the worst case scenario as I have no hopes as of now. What I'm worried about is how to say goodbye to all of them? I'll follow Jin hyung's advice and keep a letter, but when do I keep and when do I-

"I'm sorry Taehyung-ah," Namjoon hyung finally says. I break out of my wormhole of thoughts and look at him. Namjoon hyung is still looking down.

"For?" I ask him, he finally looks me in the eyes.

"The past month has been hell for me. The minute you left, I thought I saved you from making a mistake and myself. But, the more I convinced myself that it's good, the more it became evident to me that it was not good. Nothing was fine after you left, it all felt monochromatic. And I just fucking missed you. I-I tried to go to places where I would be able to see you, but you were not there. F-For a fu-fucking month, I couldn't see you! Your smile, which I became addicted to, was missing and everyday was a struggle." Namjoon hyung confesses and he starts to stutter and choke on his words.

"Hyung...what are you talking about?" Please let it not be what I think it is. Not now.

"Taehyung-ah..." Namjoon hyung says and holds my gaze.

Fuck.

It clicks in, he regrets letting me go. Namjoon hyung wants to

"I want to give us a chance.." he completes my thought.

This was exactly not what I expected, this should make me happy that hyung finally feels the same way about me! But, the timing, fucking timing of it. Like the universe is just showing to us that no matter what we cannot be together.

Tears flow down from my cheeks, the agony settles in my heart and I fall onto my knees and I cry out. Namjoon hyung, who's just sobbing, comes to me and holds me. I grip onto his shirt tightly, "I'm sorry to let you go Taehyung-ah, I-I am so sorry," he cries out.

It just causes me to cry even more, nothing is right. Here I am the love of my life confessing he's willing to give us a chance, but there's no future for us. How can I let him in without promising him that we will have a future?

Namjoon hyung just rocks me slowly, sniffling softly and he lets me cry all out. He's stroking my hair slowly and I cannot stop crying.

Dad is dead.

I killed him.

Namjoon hyung wants me.

But I cannot be with him.

How can I be with him?

"Kim Taehyung..." he says. I just sniffle into his jacket. And he continues, "I am aware that something is wrong and that you feel like it's too much. And you think we cannot be together, because of things," he says softly. His tears have dried up and now he's calming me down.

"But let me tell you," Namjoon hyung pushes and grabs my shoulders making me face him. His eyes are red but they are focused. He's not gonna give up.

"It is okay to be selfish." He finally says.

I nibble on my bottom lip and he continues, "This is selfish of me to be with you and you can be selfish too, let's be selfish for us. Even if it lasts for a day or year or maybe even forever. It's in the future. Future is uncertain, but we have now. Even if it's for one day, just one day..." he trails off.