Fractured from the Fall

Best-Laid Plans

"Maybe no ones 'meant' to be," she replied.

Lily's idea of happily after ever had vanished a long time ago. There was no white knight that was going to save her; she had to save herself, but it didn't mean she had to be alone. Lily didn't know if she believed in "the one" but she knew that she and Ford had an undeniable chemistry and a connection that stood the test of time, and that was worth fighting for.

"Maybe," Ford said, as if taking a note from her father's playbook in which he left her hanging. He kicked the dirt under his feet. Lily knew when she rode her bike to Ford's that this could be it for them, the end for good, and if that were the case, she wanted to make sure he knew how she felt.

"I'm sorry," she said. 

That got Ford's attention. Her heart fluttered at the way he looked up at her. Even after all this time, that feeling she got when his eyes were on her, the electrical charge that shot through her body and made her heart skip a beat, that feeling had never changed.

"I'm sorry for leaving you, last week and ten years ago. I'm sorry for...everything. When I...I mean, we, lost the baby, I felt...relieved, maybe even happy, which is difficult to admit. I felt so much guilt over that relief that I didn't know how to be with you. You were so excited about the baby and you were willing to give up your entire future for it. I thought you would think something was wrong with me that I didn't feel the same way as you. Hell, I thought there was something wrong with me that I didn't feel any sort of motherly attachment."

"You were a teenager Lily. You gotta give yourself a break. And my 'future', college, my inheritance, I was willing to give all that up, but I wasn't willing to give up you."

Lily's heart ached. It was hard to believe she had pushed him away. 

"It wasn't the kid I wanted," he continued. "It was you."

Lily was bewildered by his response. 

"I mean, once I found out you were pregnant, I wanted the baby, but I wanted you whether you were pregnant or not. I knew you weren't sure of the pregnancy. I could see it in your eyes. I could feel it every time we touched and you pulled away. I just thought that as long as we were together, we could figure it out somehow. You're all I've ever wanted. It's always been you Lils."

He was speaking of the past, but he wanted her in the present tense. Lily's throat felt tight and she swallowed hard. The emotion inside of her was building.

"I couldn't stay," she began, feeling the need to finally explain her decision. "It didn't matter how much I loved you, my anger over my past was stronger. I let it win. I didn't want to wind up like my mom. I thought Violet and I were the source of her unhappiness. I know better now. I'm working through that."

Ford nodded and she waited nervously for his response.

"I'm sorry too," he finally spoke. "I don't think I ever realized how much your mother's death played a role in what happened to us. I'm really sorry for what I said to you the other day after we..."

"Fucked," Lily teased and Ford couldn't help but smile. His dimples popped and his cheeks went red.

"Yeah," he smiled, and rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling a little. He was actually blushing. She'd finally managed to make Ford Jameson blush.

"What I said about your mom was horrible and really hurtful. It was just hard to stand there and watch you walk away from me, again. I was angry and I lashed out. I'm sorry."

Lily's father was right. Love often showed up as anger. Ford didn't hate her, he loved her and she loved him in return. It was the memory of their love that had kept her going through all those difficult years with Richard. She thought about Ford constantly when she was with Richard, as if thinking about him somehow kept their love alive, even when she didn't know if he reciprocated it or even thought about her. But she didn't need to think about it anymore. He was standing right in front of her. It was up to her what she wanted to do about it.