Nine Lives

Golden Girl

TW** - Eating Disorders

"Im sorry about earlier, baby. I just got a bit over-protective is all." Here it is again, the half-hearted apology. "Thank you so much for my gifts, I love them nearly as much as I love you."

He pecked me on the cheek, lifting my hands and wrapping them around his waist. I stiffened, but allowed him to pull me closer, his cologne a potent potion. I pushed my head into his shoulder, cradling the familiarness of his body against mine. It had always been an 'us', I couldn't imagine my life without Jackson...the 2 years had morphed into a lifetime. Was it bad I also felt like I couldn't live without knowing Blake either...after just one day?

"You smell nice." I complimented, letting him know it was okay, halfheartedly.

"As do you, my baby." He always emphasised the word 'baby' after a fight.

We stood in silence as I fought an endless battle in my brain, a tightrope between Jackson and Blake, tugging back and forth as one side gained advantage, the other gained strength. I'd always hated these stupid party games.

"So, I can't see you this week. Me and the boys have back to back plans, and I would invite you, but none of the chicks are going and I wouldn't want you to be left out. Please tell me you understand?"

Ah, the sympathy card. I knew it would come up at some point. Jack-O-lantern was no longer; a sweet, innocent smile in its place, hiding the jagged teeth behind, waiting to release it's boo. "Of course, no worries."

He smiled to himself and kissed me hard, slamming me against the porch wall. I leaned into the attack, confused at to why I let him charm me this way over and over again. It was official...i'm a drug addict, and my drug is Jackson.

"Any plans this week?" He asked, wiping his mouth and catching his breath.

Killing myself. "Just some overtime at work, maybe a few FaceTimes with the girls."

"I'll expect a call every now and again then, don't want you getting lonely all by yourself without me to keep you entertained." He straightens his shirt, twiddling the sparker of our argument in his hand.

The devil will keep me company. "I can last a week, babe. I'll see you soon enough."

He looked me up and down, holding my hand in his as I struggled to keep eye contact with him. "Be good, I love you."

What if i'm tired of being too good? "Love you too."

I closed the door behind me as I heard the rev of Jacksons car, slamming my head into the white plastic. My face felt hot with the offspring of tears, a tremble passing through my body. I ventured into the kitchen, knowing mum and dad were out shopping, and Viv was asleep upstairs. I grabbed a plate from the side cupboard and shovelled a quarter of Jacksons birthday cake onto the spotless glass. I sat at the table, disregarding the fork I naively grabbed through habit, and bulldozed handfuls of heaven into my parted lips.

The chocolate stained my teeth, sticking to my skin and oozing cream. I kept shovelling, licking the plate when I was done and cutting myself another huge slice. This was delicious, and its taste and texture was all I could think about...its velvety, smooth...

...

...watery clumps, skipping the oasis of my toilet, splashing up droplets of the disappearing source of survival.

I fell against the cold floor, leaning my cheek on the bathroom rug and huffing at the effort of keeping my heart rate even. Heat filled my lungs, the fire burning my throat as sobs sparked in my vocals. I let a single tear drop, enough to dehydrate me and cause a wave of lethargy I could only give into. I tried to lift myself up, but my bowling ball of a head hit the cold tiles as I looked up to the naked bulb above, the sun shining down on all my insecurities.