Fractured from the Fall

Falling Apart

"You know it's funny," he began, eyes wandering around the stadium. "I used to love this place. I loved the adrenaline I felt as the crowd cheered my name. I loved that surge of excitement when I nailed a pass and the thrill of winning. There's nothing like it. Hell, even losing had its pluses. It motivated me to do better, try harder, practice more. I loved having something to get up for every morning. This place was my home. The team was my family, but now....now I just fucking hate this place."

He paused to take another drink and Lily tried to think of something to say, but it had already all been said to him and none of it worked. Grant didn't need a pep talk. He needed to speak his truth, to get out what he was feeling. He'd been bottling it all up and using the alcohol to mask his pain. His parents had tried to get him to talk to a therapist but he had refused and when Lily sided with them, Grant had snapped at her. Now he was finally opening up. This was his monologue and she was an audience member watching him spill his guts onto the field. At least it was a performance for one and no one else would see. She couldn't' bear the idea of anyone watching Grant fall apart like this. Under different circumstances she probably would have gone and found Ford to help out, but he was hurting too and seeing Grant like this would only make his pain worse. She was bearing the weight of both their pain, but there was no one to carry hers, so she set it aside. It was the least she could do after all the drama she had caused.

"You know they barely talk to me now."

"Who?"

"The team. I'm like a piranha. No one wants anything to do with me."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. They feel awkward. They don't know what to say. Even Ford keeps a distance."

It was all true and Lily's silence confirmed it.

"He wasn't there. He should have been there. Why wasn't he there?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ford. He wasn't there to block me. Why?"

"I don't know," she lied and her heart sank deeper in her chest. A sick feeling rose up her throat. There was a question she wanted to ask, but she wasn't sure she had the courage.

"Are you..." she hesitated, but if there was ever a time to ask, it was now. She wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer, but part of her hoped what Grant would say might help Ford.

"Are you you mad at him? Do you...blame him?"

"Yes...no...I don't know. I changed the play. I shouldn't have changed the play, but I wanted to impress the scouts. I wanted them to see how good I was, not just as part of a team, but on my own. I wanted to stand out and show them what I could do and instead I fucked up my whole life!"

The pain is his heart was visible. It was written all over his face, etched in the lines of his forehead, his furrowed brow. He took a long swig off the flask, hoping to wash the hurt away. It spilled all over his mouth, but he didn't care.

"I think about it all the time," he continued, as he wiped the liquid off his face with the back of his hand. "I lie awake in bed replaying that moment in my mind over and over again. Sometimes I feel like if I shut my eyes tight enough, I can somehow go back in time and change things."

Grant swayed and stumbled as he put the flask to his lips and began to pound what was left inside. Now Lily was really beginning to worry. He was either going to drink himself into oblivion or get himself expelled from school. Her guilt had stopped her from intervening sooner but she knew in that moment that she had to speak up.

"Grant, why don't you give me that," she said, stepping towards him.

His eyes turned towards her but his lips never left the flask.