Saving Ashley

Chapter four

I walked home with Jay after our little chat. We didn't speak at all on the way home even though I knew he didn't want me to keep quiet, that's when I'm at my worse. When I'm quiet, I'm thinking. When I'm thinking, the memories and the pain washed over me. I knew deep inside me that I wanted to trust Jay, he seemed nice but I was too scared to let myself trust him. I've lived and I've learned. I know how it'll end up. He'll see how screwed up I am on the inside and he'll run away just like everyone else did.

"You okay?" He whispered entering my bedroom. "You seem...Sad" He waited for me to walk into the room and I nodded.

"I'm fine" I whispered walking and sitting on the bed. He shut the door and stared at me, he knew I was lying.

"I've seen your 'Fines' and 'Okay's' to know that you're really hurt inside but you don't want to talk about it" He joined me on the bed and I smiled at him.

"Wow, you're good"

"Speak to me. I'm all ears" I looked at him sadly but then looked down at the floor. He wanted me to give him a chance and this is it. "Why are you so hurt?" If only I wrote a list down beforehand which I could hand him. It would save time and it wouldn't make my voice bore him. 

"Where do I start?" I laughed slightly, trying to think..

"Well, what's hurting you most right now? That's a good place to start" He moved back and leaned his back against the wall still watching me. 

"My childhood" I shrugged and he gestured me to go on. "I didn't have a good childhood" I whispered thinking back to it. Oh it was terrible.

"What happened?" 

"I lost my best friend" The words didn't want to come out, I didn't want to start crying either but the tears were already beginning to blur my eyes. Thinking about Jason was extremely hard, I mean, I didn't even tell my mum about how much it killed me knowing I'd never see him again.

"What was his name?" He asked, moving closer to me and holding my hand for support. I wiped my eyes with my free hand and smiled a little.

"Jason. He was my best friend. I met him through my mum's friend. Ever since we were babies we got along really well. As we grew up our friendship only became stronger. I loved him, not the relationship kind but the friendship caring kind 'ya know?" He nodded and smiled at me. "We'd do everything together. We used to run around playing pirates, cops and robbers, anything to keep us entertained" I chuckled a little making tears fall down my cheek. 

"It sounds like a nice friendship" Jay whispered and I nodded.

"It was" I swallowed the lump in my throat and sighed. "Then one morning I woke up, I was getting ready to see him but when I walked downstairs my mum was in tears. I knew something wasn't right, I was only six at the time but when mum was crying it was very serious" I clenched my fist a little and Jay squeezed my hand gently. "I asked her what was wrong and she broke down even more. I was panicking at that point, as anyone would... But I approached her. She could barely speak but I managed to understand what she was saying. She told me that Jason had gone away to a better place, trying to tell me in the nicest way possible" I burst out crying and Jay hugged me in a blink of an eye.

"Sh sh, it's okay" He whispered rubbing my back gently. "I know he meant a lot to you. It's going to hurt" 

"It was a drunk driver. Jason wanted to surprise me so he snuck out early. His mum noticed he wasn't there and went to look for him. They found him in the middle of the road dead! The driver just took off as if nothing happened!" I cried, my eyes were burning at this deep sick feeling inside of me was growing stronger. Jay didn't know what to say so he just held me as I cried. It felt like there was a never ending river of tears flooding out of my eyes. I wanted to hit something, anything to let this anger out of me. "I can't let him go" I choked out holding Jay tight.

"You need to let him go" Jay whispered softly but I shook my head. "He'll be watching over you and he'll see you like this. He doesn't want you to hurt yourself Ash. He'd want you to live a happy life" I let go of him and wiped my eyes shaking my head. "Think about it, he'd want the best for you! He's probably watching you now shaking his head..."

"You're not making me feel better" I frowned trying to calm my crying down.

"I didn't mean it like that" He sighed, "I mean, you're destroying yourself because of his death. He'll want you to move on because he wants to see you happy. You're not happy because you can't let go. I know you're angry, I know you're dying inside because you can't let your emotions out without hurting yourself. But I believe you can do it and I bet he does too" I stared at him sadly, thinking about what he just said. He was right, I knew he was right but I didn't want to believe it. Jason was probably watching over me and trying to slap me out of it. Every time I brought a razor to my arm he probably wanted to strangle me.

"I wish he was here" I whispered looking up at my shelf to see a picture of me and him when we was little. "I wish he was here to help me"

"Maybe he is" Jay shrugged and stood up, standing next to the picture.

"I meant in person" I sighed and Jay stared at me.

"Like I said, maybe he is" I frowned at him but then raised an eyebrow. What did he mean? He couldn't be here. "Well, ish"

"He's dead, it's impossible" I shook my head, standing up not wanting to believe his lies. He was trying to manipulate me. Maybe he was trying to make me feel better but it wasn't working. He couldn't just say stuff like that.

"It's me" Jay's voice sighed weakly. "Can't you tell?" I turned and faced him, disgusted. "Look at me closely" Sure, he had the same coloured hair and eyes but lots of people have that. "My cheeky personality" I couldn't believe it, I was starting to let myself think that this lunatic was him. "My name" He sighed and walked to me slowly. "You used to call me Jay, remember?" I froze, pale and speechless. How did he know that? "Remember when we hid your mums necklace in a box under the old oak tree near mine?" He smiled and I felt dizzy. What was happening?

"H..How..."

"It's me" My legs gave way, "Ash!" He caught me and I saw his worried expression before darkness took over me.