'Undiscovered Gems' Review

Review 2: Falling In Love with Two Guys Can't Be That Bad Can It

‘Falling in love with two guys can’t be that bad can it’ by MegKristineAbigail.

Seriously, before I begin, capitalize your title. Where’s the question mark?  We’re taught that in first year of school. How are people supposed to take your work seriously if your title has such obvious errors…Better yet make up an original title altogether.

So, MegKristineAbigail , you were brave enough to ask me to review even if I do tell the bitter truth and my sarcasm and criticism is sometimes quite harsh. Or very. Anyhow, this is the story, which I won’t even bother explaining as the title gives it all away. Yes it is about a girl torn apart between two guys.

I went ahead and read all the chapters and I feel like I’ve read your entire story already, and its only four chapters long… Which means you sped through the plot in lightening speed. I only read the skeleton of your story; there was no flesh, no heart. I hate overly long descriptions and unnecessary tedious details but seriously sweetheart, what’s the rush? The beginning was either very unrealistic or plain weird. My first guess is, she hates her brother’s girlfriend because she’s a gorgeous blond bitch? Her brother seems to care enough to take Grace out clubbing and an asshole enough to leave her by herself? And they called that surprise? Yeah it definitely was… She practically tells Dan to bugger off because she’s in a bad mood (which is understandable) and wait…the next the next paragraph they are sharing coffee and sharing numbers? :/

Also, you’re making the same mistake as the writer of the story of my first review. The character tells us that she ‘never felt like this before’, ‘I never blush’, ‘what’s wrong with me?’. So you get my point. Suddenly it’s all-new and exciting. For god’s sake, she was sarcastic a minute ago and now she’s suddenly all giddy out of the blue? Not very convincing for me.

Like I said before, it’s all happening way too soon. Why is Sam suddenly appearing out of the blue and why is she, like a drama queen running off and crying her eye sockets out for fifteen minutes? A mature adult would greet her good friend after not seeing him for a year; it’s not the guy’s fault he got relocated because of his dad’s job. Sheesh. Your character really needs to cut some slack. And didn’t she leave him without a proper goodbye, and now she won’t even give a proper welcome? 

The next chapter I knew exactly what would happen. Dan appears out of thin air. Conveniently. And now you’re going to make her juggle with both guys in different chapters, one by one until she makes up her mind. Yawn. 

There should be some character development. You should’ve at least given some time to let Grace and Dan to form some kind of bond before introducing another challenge, Sam.  I’m going to say this last time; the main flaw in this story is the fast pace. It’s only been four chapters and I know the entire story, but the characters are paper-thin. 

One a good note: you’re grammar is great, and so it your punctuation in the story You have no idea how many writers never bother about grammar. Sometimes you miss out a comma in the speech marks.

Always do this, [“Grace…Grace,”] <- you must have a comma,

followed by a [,” said Dan].

Other than that, I really enjoyed reading that because the spelling was good. The characters thought insight is good, however you sometimes do tend to go off into unnecessary detail like what she’s going to wear. But hey, some people prefer that, it’s maybe just me being picky. Your idea, although on the surface may seem tad cliché, if well developed can be a great story. Many, I for one love ‘love triangles’. A childhood sweetheart against the new and alluring charmer? Yes please. The plot idea sounds great, and would be a wonderful read if properly written.

You only wrote four chapters so it’s not too late to go back and make few changes (if you want to) your story has potential, it’s just way too rushed.