'Undiscovered Gems' Review

Review 1: Sand Dreams

‘Sand Dreams’ by RhiRee

This story is about Aubrey, a girl on a vacation with her friend and gorgeous twin brother, Adyn and his best mate, Kade. Both guys are ubber hot, and this seems to create yummy sexual tension between the four teens.

So, I went ahead and read first few chapters of your story and stopped immediately. It has potential, but the need to improve this story outweighs any signs of a good read.

The beginning was a disaster and I nearly closed the window. Most off-putting bit was the switching of the tenses. You say ‘I begged and pleaded with him’ (remove the ‘with’) in the past tense and moved onto ‘I’m so scared right now’ on the second sentence. I know it’s tricky, but you need to make your mind up whether you want this story in present tense or past. These mistakes are constantly recurring in your story. There are also some unnecessary sentences i.e. ‘Tinsley is a great friend’. You already explained that she’s been there for her, and perhaps should add that she’s also been very supportive and comforting. We get a good idea of the character, and come to our own conclusion that Tinsley is a great friend; we don’t need to be told. Also, do not capitalize words. They look unprofessional and silly. I suggest you italicize instead, for emphasis.

You began to describe her nightmare, and Sloan sounded worse than the cheesiest Disney villain. It was not scary at all.

“We are meant to be together, and we will be…forever!”…really? How terrifying.

To make it more sinister you should describe actions, he dug in his nails into her skin, there was lust in his eyes, rough tugging of the hair, shivers down her spine. After all, it’s supposed to be a nightmare, not a Bollywood scene.

I have a bone to pick with your main character, Aubrey Jay (every time I read her name, I felt like saying Aubergine). You try to make her stand as quirky, sophisticated girl, with whom Kade is suddenly infatuated with. However, from reading her thoughts she sounds just like any other ‘blond bimbo’ out there. The most reoccurring phrases were ‘sexy’, ‘hot’ and the most cringing, ‘oh my gosh’. Even Kade says ‘oh my gosh’ in his mind. Major turn-off. He sounds like he’s from a different century….or a drag queen. 

Aubrey is very superficial. She described his looks, his sexiness, his hotness, his good looks over and over and over again. I was half-expecting her to rape him. Don’t write ‘his eyes were a beautiful blue-grey surround by long, thick eyelashes’, Makes it sound like he has hairy eyes. You should use the word ‘framed’ instead. I didn’t like her judgmental character. The word ‘blonde bimbo sluts’ is unnecessarily repetitive. It’s very shallow and narrow-minded to make assumptions about a girl with a good figure and bleached blonde hair. Of course, there is a reason for this stereotype; I’ve met plenty of bleach blonde haired slutty girls. But I also met girls with bleach blonde hair and nice figures who were absolute sweethearts. I also happened to meet a girl with brown hair and brown eyes who happened to be the biggest bimbo I’ve met in my life. I know I’m getting off the topic a bit here, but I’m tired of reading stories on here which have blond, pretty and flirty associated with whores and emo girls- sad, lonely and pathetic associated with special, humble, nice and kind. It’s sickening.

Also, why is she constantly calling her brother and his friend a man-whore? They are extremely flirty and yet so nice to Aubrey? Man-whores are greasy, oily shaved, fake-tanned men. Kade and Adyn are guys who just happened to be extremely good looking and attract many girls, and are also attracted to promiscuous girls. Sleeping with a bleach blonde haired babe does not make a man a man-whore.

On the good side, after her nightmare the flow of the story was well paced, though maybe a tad bit rushed. The fact that I read on means the rest of the story shows promise. The story has potential, and I really liked the idea of a ‘stalkerish’, sinister boyfriend. It adds flavour to this feel good story. It’s not great, but with improvement it can be. Take your time to develop your characters; don’t just described their looks. So far one word to describe the story, which comes from the point of view of Aubrey is shallow. You need more depths to it and proof read your story before publishing, there are a lot of clumsy mistakes.  However, don’t get discouraged, your general grammar and style of writing is very good. Keep writing and improving, and hopefully one day I’ll see on on the ‘what's hot’ list.