Lady Eilean

Chapter 48

"My life has not been so easy, you know. Do not think I did not suffer." Her eyes flashed with grief.

"I know nothing about your life, Mother. You never thought to share it with me."

She only nodded, looking away. Cowed by my fury or her own guilt. I didn't know, didn't care.

"Stormway only stands because Alex arrived. Because I made alliances with the Northern Isles. Our people are only alive because they gave men and food and supplies to us with compassion. I can offer you a warm dinner and a blazing fire and a glass of wine because of the largess of others. I poured my life into this land and I will be damned if you presume to prance back into my home and pass judgment."

Still looking away, her voice small and quiet, she said, "Eilean, I never meant —"

"But you did. Didn't you?" Rolling my eyes and shaking my head, I dismissed her for the specter she had always been. My rage guttered, leaving only desolation behind.

"I am sorry," she said, looking at me. Her eyes were full of tears.

"I am too," I admitted angrily, sliding back into my chair before draining my wine glass in one swig.

It was an apology that came too late and was too forced. Maybe, with effort, I could forgive her. I did not want to, now.

The logs in the fireplace popped, punctuating our silence.

Mother straightened her silverware.

I scowled at the wall.

"They're all coming back, aren't they?" I asked finally. Dread settled in my stomach and I itched to pour myself another glass of wine, but I resisted. There was no other reason my mother would be here except to act as a herald. To prepare the way.

"Your father and the regiments are expected by summer."

I nodded. The death knell of my fate tolling in time to the beat of my heart. My mouth went dry.

It was over.

No more Laird Eilean. No more freedom. Back to dresses and dancing and invisibility. I could resit it, but what was one voice against the rest of them? Innis was proof enough of how futile the fight would be.

It was too much. I felt on the verge of a fit. Standing, I turned on my heel, eager to be free from this room, from my mother's presence. My boots slapped against the stones and I muttered, "I wish you had stayed away" as I slammed the door.

In the hall, as I shook off the bite of the slam reverberating through my hand, shame consumed me. Again, that heavy nothingness, my lifetime companion, gnawed at me. Its decaying void filled every nook and cranny of my heart, my mind, my soul.

I stomped all the way to Alex's rooms, pushed open the door, and it bounced off the stone wall with too much force, too much noise. He jumped at my entrance. Sitting at his desk, writing letters, he gave me a once over. A sly smile spread across his face.

"So dinner went well," he baited.

I let out a feral animal growl in reply. He laughed.

"Oh, so very well, then."

"She never should have come back!" I shouted, repeating the only thought that hammered against my skull.

"You don't mean that," Alex said evenly.

"Don't I?" Even as I challenged him, I felt the adrenaline seep out of me.

"Shall I distract you? Would you like to know the exact number of corn seeds we have planted? If not, I know the wheat and potato yields down to the very ounce. Your field hands are very meticulous, you know."

"Damn you," I said, chuckling.

Alex walked toward me and wrapped me in his arms. He kissed me along my jaw.

"Perhaps you're more interested in the performance of our new bull?"

A strangled laugh rasped out of me and I thanked him for his suggestions but declined. Instead, I pulled him toward the bed. "What about a real distraction?" I asked, now the one administering the kisses.

Alex's answering laugh was full of fire.

Tangled up in each other, I let my passions outrun my fury.

After, he rolled to his side and propped his head on his fist. Looking down at me with a cloying mix of amusement and pity, he waited for me to empty myself.

"I don't want to be Miss Eilean," I griped. "Forgotten sister of a hundred brothers. Stupid and mute and idiotic in silk and bows." I toyed with the curling hair on his chest. "I can't be invisible again."

"I know," Alex said. "Would it help if I told you that you were never invisible to me?" His expression was ardent and his smile kind.

"No," I said with a smirk, even if it did make me feel better. I rolled onto my back and covered my face with my arm. "This changes everything."

"Does it have to? You're still Laird by law. You can still be assertive and strong and in charge."

"I don't feel like that person in front of them. Already with mother... it feels so strange. It's like she's a lid, pressing down on me, pushing me into a jar, and I'm thrashing against the pressure. I know who I am but... I'm just falling back into old habits and I can't stop it."

"Are you going to give back your father's title?"

I dropped my arm and groaned. "What can I do, Alex? Look at Innis."

"I don't think your father will try to kill you," Alex said with intensity. "And I would just take you to The Fist if there was a threat of that."

"Fair enough, but I will not fight that fight."

"Whatever you decide, you have my support." He swore.

Lifting my head, I kissed him, savoring the comfort and tranquility he had always brought to me. Alex was quick to respond, lowering himself over me and holding me in his arms. I accepted the sweet oblivion he offered and claimed the distraction of his ardent caresses.