my love // m.e.

3.7

It was 7am and I couldn't sleep. I slowly got out of bed. I slipped on a pair of sneakers and a hoodie. I grabbed my phone and walked down to the beach.

Whenever I needed to think, I would go to the beach. I walked down the beach with my mind racing with so many thoughts about my life now and my past.

Being bullied in high school, Shawn, my family, my friends, my kids, Matt. I couldn't bare to think of possibly leaving my beautiful family. The thought alone of not seeing my kids grow up, graduate high school, get married, and have kids kills me.

I sat down and stared out into the ocean.

"How have you been?" a voice asked

I knew. I could tell it was him. Shawn.

"I've been better before" I said "Am I gonna die?"

"I wish I could tell you but I don't know. I believe it isn't your time yet but if it is I'll take care of you."

"I don't want to leave them Shawn."

"I know. Bad things always happen so good people but I think you're gonna be just fine"

"I don't know about that" I said but got no response

He was gone again. I let out a sigh and walked back to the apartment. I quietly walked inside taking off my shoes. Before I made it back to my bedroom I heard crying coming from SJ's room. I went in and picked him up from his crib. I sat in the rocking chair rocking him back and forth.

"You're okay baby"

I rocked him back and forth till he eventually fell back to sleep.

"I love you so much." I whispered while laying him back in his crib

I went back into the living room and sat on the couch. Not even two minutes later Matt walked out.

"Morning beautiful"

I smiled back at him. He still called me beautiful every single day even when we both know I'm not. Matt sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.

"You should probably get ready to go soon" he said

"Go where?"

"You have a doctor's appointment. Remember?"

"Oh yeah, it just slipped my mind"

"My mom is on here way to watch the kids"

"Okay"

______

Matt and I walked into the office hand in hand. We walked up to the woman sitting at the desk.

"Hi, I have an appointment." I said

"Name?"

"Alyssa Espinosa"

"Okay you can walk in that door, room three" she smiled

"Thank you"

We walked into the room and I sat on the bed with Matt standing next to me. My doctor was Dr. Freeman, the same one from the possible. He has been my doctor through this whole thing. I grabbed Matt's hand as the door opened.

"Hello" Dr. Freeman said

"Hi" I replied

"So we have the results from the scan last week. The cancer hasn't shrunk anymore. We have one more surgery we can do, if you would like. There is a chance of memory loss or even going into a coma."

"I want to do it"

"Okay give me a few minutes so we can schedule a surgery" he replied and walked out of the room

"Are you positive you want to do this?" Matt questioned

"This is basically my last option. If I don't do this or if it doesn't work it's over for me"

"If you're positive about this then I say go for it."

______

"Momma come play with me" Matthew said

"I'm really tired bud. Maybe tomorrow"

He sighed and went back to his toys. Matt came and sat next to me on the couch.

"How you feeling?" Matt asked

"Horrible"

Just as I said that I began to feel really nauseous. I got up ran to the bathroom and started to get sick. Matt followed me in. He sat on the floor next to me and rubbed my back.

"Let it out babe" he cooed

I got up when I was finished and brushed my teeth.

"I hate this so much" I cried

"I know babe. Do you want to just go lay down?"

"I just want to di-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence."

"Everyday I'm here, I'm suffering Matt."

"Well next week you're gonna have the surgery and everything's gonna be fine."

"I think I should just go to bed"

"Okay babe"

I left the bathroom and went to the bedroom. I changed from my clothes to an oversized t-shirt.

I laid in bed just thinking. I must have lied awake for an hour and I couldn't fall back asleep. I walked into the living room. Matt was sitting on the couch, he must have already put the kids in bed. I quietly went into each of my kids' rooms and kissed them goodnight. I went back out to the couch where Matt was.

"Matt"

"Yeah babe?"

"I can't sleep. Will you come lay down with me?" I asked

I felt pathetic for asking, I sounded like a child. Matt got up and followed me to the bedroom. He changed into basketball shorts and got in bed with me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me up to his chest.

He placed his hand on my face and his thumb stroked my cheek.

"I feel like I haven't said this enough lately but I love you. I love you so damn much."

"I love you to baby girl. Get some sleep."

here's an update for you guys :) a lot of people kept asking me to add a part with shawn so i did! i also changed my user on here to idklyss

xoxo

-lyss