Given and Denied

Chapter 19.

But I didn't want to. I needed to go back. It was safe down there, it was comforting and secure. I was now being forcibly made to move and I didn't want to go!
I threw my arms up in the air to get them all away from me. But they held my arms down and moved my legs forward. I was trapped and all I now wanted to do was sleep. Return to the happy place where I had just come from. My legs buckled and gave way. I had done it. I was now returning and it felt good.

"Oh no...... She's gone again...... Quick get her into the ambulance".   A far off distant voice said.

Why was the voice so shouty? Why was it so bad that I'd found the place where I wanted to be and needed to stay there. It was my decision. I wanted to return. It was no big deal. They shouldn't be so unhappy about it. They should just let me go.
I was weary but the images I was seeing were welcoming me back. I couldn't tell what they were but they were better than what was going on all around me.
All of the shouting, the pushing and pulling of my body, the flashing bright blue lights that threatened to open my eyes to them. I didn't want that. I didn't want to see them. I had no interest in them. I wanted them to all go away.

I was being sick. It was horrible. I didn't want to be sick. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. With every heave that my body was being forced to do, made me feel weaker by the second and so very sore.

"Come on now".  A soothing voice spoke.  "We're nearly there". 

Nearly there?
The happy place?
My stomach wretched involuntary again and try as I might I couldn't see the happy place. I couldn't go there, my mind wasn't allowing me to.
I heaved and saw a clear liquid exiting my mouth. It tasted vile and I felt so awful.

"Okay, you can lie back now. I think we've got it all".   The soothing voice said, pushing me gently back down into a soft pillow.

"If you feel the need to be sick again, I'll leave the bucket down here".  She said.

I nodded but had no intention of ever being sick again.
My stomach hurt so very much but my throat hurt even more and burned with such an undescribable pain, that I thought I'd never be able to speak or even swallow again.
My eyelids now felt heavy.
I needed to sleep.
If this was what it was like returning from the happy place, then I never wanted to go there again!

"Well..... You look so much better".   The bright, cheery voice said as she came over to sit down beside me.

I smiled back. It was lovely to see Amelia. She, after all had been my best friend through thick and thin and I was so glad that she was now here right beside me. Perhaps now she may provide me with all the answers that I was so desperately in need of.

"Gosh, you didn't half give us all a scare you know".   She said, now leaning forward and taking a gentle hold of my hand.

I smiled back but I didn't really know what she was going on about. The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle were well and truly missing.  She had to enlighten me.

"What...... happened?".  I whispered, with a voice that didn't sound like mine at all and the pain that accompanied it made me suddenly reach up and grab my neck.

"Please.... Try not to speak, aye?".   Amelia said quietly.  "You've been through quite an ordeal".

She squeezed at my hand.

"But...... Really...... I cannot understand for the life of me......... Why you even felt the need to do it Gwen?".  She then said.
"I mean.... You of all people. The level headed, sensible one. Why on earth would you succumb to all of that!"

I stared at her face.
She honestly looked so confused, but not nearly as much as I was now feeling about this whole situation!

  "It's not the answer, you know".    Amelia went on,   "whatever your going through, doing that to yourself is so not the answer".