we're just kids

theories on how to die

TW: GRAPHIC PANIC ATTACK + SUICIDAL IDEATION + DISCUSSIONS OF DEATH + IMPLIED BODY IMAGE ISSUES + FIGHTING

cherry dozes in my arms.
she seems to peaceful.
i know full well her mind isn't peaceful.
when she sleeps she looks like an angel.
but angels are dead.
and i don't ever want to think about that.
the stars won't shine as bright when she dies.

i have a theory on how to die nicely.
i've always said i won't die on a cloudy day.
i want to go on a nice walk before i die.
and nice means sunny.
i don't want the last world i see to be cloudy.
but that's only half of how to die nicely.
and it's the easy part.

because i won't die on a nice day either.
i've always promised myself i wouldn't.
i don't want to ruin the day.
or ruin an already nice day.
the sun goes a bit darker when someone dies.
or that's my theory at least.
but my theories are hardly ever right.

ellie's always said it's best to die in the rain.
because it doesn't matter.
since it's already dreary.
tayce disagrees.
she wants to die on a sunshiny day.
because she loves the sun.
and she wants to see it as long as she's real.

cherry doesn't think about dying.
or she doesn't vocalize it.
i once overheard her talk to ellie about it.
she was high off her head.
"i can't die ell bell," she said.
"cause rory said each souls a star."
"and you like constellations."

ellie loves constellations.
people make them too according to her.
like we all make shapes on earth.
like we make crowns and belts and bears too.
it's a pretty thought of course.
but she's wrong.
because we move too much to make shapes.

ellie walks into my room without knocking.
"i called the mechanic," she tells me.
i nod.
"they'll tow your car to the shop tomorrow."
"how're the kendoll girls?" i ask.
i beckon ellie over to me.
she sits on the edge of the bed.

"gothy is okay."
i raise an eyebrow at her words.
"and the rest of them?"
"rehab is having a tough time,"
"you know that's not who i was asking about,"
"they're still sick, what did you expect?"
"i don't really know,"

i run my fingers over cherry's side.
her ribs stick through a bit.
more than ellie's and tayce's do.
but tayce's stick out more than they used to.
certainly less than the twins' do.
both the twins are out of hospital right now.
that hardly ever lasts.

"how's cherry?"
"she's upset, did tayce tell you?"
"briefly, she yelled at cherry?"
"yeah, and cherry got lost,"
"but i thought tayce was driving her home?"
"tayce told her to take the bus home."
"that's fucked up."

"are you sleeping in tayce's room tonight?"
"i don't know, if cherry does,"
"cherry won't want to,"
"i know,"
i want to but if cherry doesn't i don't either.
i want to lay next to tayce for forever.
even when i shouldn't want to.

"can you hold her for a moment?" i ask.
ellie nods.
she lifts cherry away from me.
i asked her too but my stomach still drops.
i want to go talk to tayce.
but i don't want to leave cherry alone.
but she's not really alone.

"i'm gonna go talk to tayce,"
"get her to put bandaids on your arms."
i roll my eyes as i stand up.
i walk through the house back downstairs.
cherry always says our floor is a minefield.
she might be right our floor is cluttered.
i'm not going to clean it.

"rory your arms are bloody."
tayce is sitting at the kitchen table.
her mascara is ringed around her eyes.
her makeup has gone smudgy.
so her freckles are showing through.
she looks pretty with freckles.
they look like constellations.

"cherry's cried herself to sleep."
"look i'm sorry rory, i didn't mean to."
"you said you couldn't stand her,"
"i didn't mean it."
she didn't mean it.
i know she didn't mean it.
i really hope she didn't mean it.

"can i fix your arms?" tayce asks quietly.
i nod, tayce is good at fixing things.
she grabs the first aid kit.
it's up on a high shelf.
to keep it out of cherry's reach.
and mine too i suppose.
only tayce and ellie can reach it.

she walks back over.
i lay my arms out on the table.
"fucking christ," she sighs.
"rory these are so bad,"
her words sting.
but like bleeding-crying-hiding sting.
not like easy sting.

"i'm sorry," i whisper.
"taycie i'm really fucking sorry,"
i can't breathe right now.
"i didn't mean to,"
my breakfast is back in my mouth.
i want to cry.
"please don't hate me,"

"i don't hate you," tayce tells me.
she sprays peroxide onto the cuts.
"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry,"
i want to keep saying it.
i don't like the way it sounds when i repeat it.
"don't hate me, don't hate me, i'm sorry,"
tayce wraps bandages over my arms.

"i didn't mean to, i'm sorry, i didn't mean to,"
tayce has stopped moving.
there's water dripping onto the table.
it stings when it touches the cuts.
bleeding-crying-hiding sting.
i look up.
tayce isn't crying.

someone is begging for help.
tayce's lips aren't moving.
whoever it is needs to shut up.
tayce looks scared.
someone is scaring tayce.
"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP"
i think i was the one scaring tayce.

"shh shh rory it's okay,"
it's not okay.
i'm not okay.
nothing is fucking okay.
"it's not, tayce it's not okay,"
she grabs my yellow cup and hands it to me.
"drink."

i shove the cup off the table.
i don't want it.
that stupid fucking buttercup yellow cup.
i can't stand it.
i loved yellow when i was little.
the cup has shattered on the floor.
tayce's breathing stops.

we both it stare at the shards of porcelain.
tayce starts to cry.
i didn't mean to do that
i'm going to throw up.
i didn't mean to do that.
those cups are in tayce's routine.
and we're not allowed to change her routine.

"fuck, fuck, fuck!"
tayce walks to the counter.
the rest of the cups are on the marble slab.
she picks up cherry's first.
"fuck i hate all of you!"
she throws the cup to the floor.
the red and yellow don't match.

she smashes the other two on the ground.
"get the fuck out!"
tayce is screaming.
but the sad sort of screaming.
where she's sobbing at the same time.
"get the fuck out of my house!"
"it's my fucking house too you can't make me!"

suddenly ellie is standing in the doorway.
she's holding cherry.
cherry looks numb.
ellie looks scared.
i've never seen ellie look scared.
"all of you get the fuck out!"
tayce is screaming-crying-wailing.

cherry wrestles out of ellie's arms.
she runs through the kitchen and outside.
her feet get cut up from the smashed cups.
the room looks like a crime scene.
but i can't tell who the bad guy is.
it's not a cloudy day, it's not sunny either.
but i still want to die.