we're just kids

Control Is Hard, It's Too Hard For Me, I Don't Want To Be In Control

Awhora and I talk, she moves Cherry away from me when she wakes up, I really wish she'd stop doing that, she seems to forget that Cherry and I are friends, I thought we were at least kind of friends, we live together still don't we, Cherry and Awhora are practically falling off the edge of the bed, it's like Awhora thinks my touch will burn off Cherry's skin.
Cherry's mumbling something about loving Awhora, Cherry doesn't love Awhora, Tayce loves Awhora, I don't think she wants to, Tayce wants to love good people, Awhora isn't a good person, not anymore, I don't know if she ever was.
I don't want to watch this, I hate how they act like I'm not a part of our almost family, I stand up, letting Tayce's arms fall limp against the bed, Cherry and Awhora are still whispering to each other, I slam the door shut behind me.
After the door shuts I realize something, I don't really know where else to go, I was telling the truth when I told Tayce I couldn't sleep, I could go sleep on the roof, then there'd be fresh air, it's just not very safe.
I go to Cherry's bedroom, grabbing a soft red blanket and old pillow off her bed, I pull open one of the windows and climb out into the roof, I probably should've gone out through my room's window but I don't care too much.
I make up a sort of bed on the roof where I'll be able to see the stars, when we moved into the house me and Cherry were both in love with the sections of the roof that're flat, perfect to stare at the sky, I curl up beside the chimney stack under Cherry's blankets.
I want to sleep but I don't think I can, I'm just sort of sick of being awake, I don't understand how Cherry and Tayce both maintain their sleep schedules so perfectly, or that's not true, I don't understand how Tayce does it, Cherry's always got melatonin and people telling stories and cuddling with her to help her sleep.
I used to have that, I used to have people always hugging me close and kissing me gently, I don't have that anymore, it's my own fault I don't have that anymore, the people that used to keep me safe hate me now, or don't hate me, they regret knowing me.
It's a few hours before I start to fall asleep, and just as I do I hear the sound of a window opening and the roof creaking, someone's come outside, they come over and lay beside me wordlessly, it's Tayce, I do really wonder why Tayce has come outside.
"Taycie?" I ask softly, she nods keeping her eyes focused up on the sky, "I thought you were inside," She shrugs, the dynamic between us feels really strange, really uncomfortable, she wants people to be good, and I make people bad, I don't mean to, I just do.
"I was," She shrugs, "I wanted fresh air though, I'm meant to be watching Cherry, Awhora's lost it with how overprotective she is, Cherry's only two years younger than us all," Tayce is strange to me because she's protective over all of us the way Awhora is over Cherry.
"But Taycie you're just as bad as she is, just not specifically with Cherry," I mumble, "Look there, North Star," I point up to where Polaris is shining brightly, Tayce smiles politely but I know she doesn't care all too much, she's never been one for looking at the skies.
"That's pretty Ell Bell, and I know I'm too protective you all but I just want everyone to be okay, if you're not out of my sight you can't get hurt, would you come back inside please? You might fall while you're asleep." Tayce says, deftly pivoting our topic back to where she wants it to be.
"I like the fresh air, and besides Awhora won't want me anywhere near her and Cherry," I mumble, Tayce shakes her head, reaching over and grabbing my mine, her hands feel like ice, or like they've been in a bucket of ice, hands don't feel like ice that's stupid.
"You can just open up your windows, and you can be in your room so Awhora can't say anything," She tells me, standing up and pulling me to my feet, "And if you insist on staying out here please move away from the chimney stack so you're not breathing in smoke all night," I find it funny how Tayce focuses on making it so we don't breathe in chimney smokes but leaves us alone to smoke all we want too.
I let Tayce lead me away from the chimney, over to the windows, I really don't want to go inside, I yank at her hand and she looks over to me. "I want to stay out here," I mumble, kicking at the pebbles on the roof, I silently pray Tayce doesn't make me go inside, being inside our house is stifling.
"That's fine Ell Bell, will you just sleep near the windows so I can see you when I wake up?" She asks, Tayce is weird to me, she doesn't like me and I know that much but she still treats me like a paper doll, she treats all of us like paper dolls, like we'll tear if she's not careful enough.
"Yeah, I'll stay where you can see me, promise, now go back to bed before Awhora wakes up and sees you're not there, you know, she loves to pretend it's because of Cherry but she needs you there just as much as she thinks Cherry does." I say, Tayce rolls her eyes and pulls the window open.
"Sleep well babes, if it gets too cold please come inside," She says gently, Tayce always speaks gently with us, I know why she does that and I know it's probably good but it still bothers me, we're all trying our hardest to be people strong enough she doesn't need to speak gently.
I nod, she doesn't say anything else, just kissing my temple gently before swinging back into the window, I don't get it with Tayce, why she's still here I mean, she loves to work on this neat schedule where everything and everyone falls into a time box, meanwhile the rest of us are constantly spinning and sliding out of control.
Control is hard, it's too hard for me, I don't want to be in control.