we're just kids

not bloodied daisies

TW: SELF INJURY + BLOOD + SEMI-GRAPHIC PANIC ATTACK

i watch as tayce takes cherry's hand.
they walk away from the house.
away from me and ellie.
i don't like it when cherry's away from me.
i can't watch her then.
that sounds silly she's 18.
but i don't like not being able to watch her.

as i watch them go i brush my hair.
i want to cut my hair.
cut it all off.
make it go away and stay away.
i don't like having long hair.
it pulls down.
ellie chopped her hair short last year.

cherry's got the nicest hair.
or used too.
now tayce does.
but cherry did.
her hair was always shiny and clean.
and curly.
shiny black tresses.

i get dressed quickly.
i hate my work uniform.
it's itchy.
ellie teases me about that.
i can't deal with things touching my skin.
cherry thinks it's funny.
tayce is the same way i am.

well no.
tayce is fine with fabric.
tayce's issue comes with foods.
hers or ours.
she cooks for all of us.
very specific things.
always the same very specific things.

i pull my hair back and walk downstairs.
only ellie's here now.
i walk over to one of our closets.
on the top shelf i have a gift.
bay's and sminty's birthday is today.
they're turning 17.
they're so young.

"ellie," i call to her.
she walks over to me.
she's still eating the last few bites of breakfast.
"can you give these to the twins?"
"for sure, but why?"
"it's their birthday ellie,"
i'm not surprised she forgot.

ellie doesn't remember important things.
birthdays or anniversaries.
but she remembers odd useless things.
like when she was little.
and a butterfly landed in her hair.
or when she broke the stem of a sunflower.
she hit it with a broom handle.

"you've got to get to work rory."
"you can't call me that."
"cherry does."
"right and you're not her, so don't."
ellie raises an eyebrow incredulously.
"well we're all best friends aren't we?"
the venom in her voice fills the air between us.

"yeah. best friends."
i grab the lunch tayce left me.
i need to get to work.
i walk out and get into my car.
i turn the key.
it won't fucking start.
i tried twice.

i stalk back into the house.
tayce isn't here so she can't drive me.
i'm completely and utterly fucked.
i could take the bus.
i'd be twenty minutes late.
"god fucking damnit."
ellie chuckles.

i hate her.
no i don't.
that's not true i do hate her.
sometimes.
"ell bell," i mutter through my teeth.
"you can't call me that."
she has a cheshire cat grin on.

i want to say something back.
but i open my mouth and words won't go.
tears bubble behind my eyes.
i wonder if this is how cherry feels.
her words hardly ever go.
and she cries a lot.
that can't be too nice.

"woah woah awhora."
ellie steps closer to me but i step back.
"awhora hun calm down."
i try to speak.
try to tell her i am calm.
that i'm totally fine and calm and okay.
but i can't.

i'm not a liar.
and that would probably count as lying.
it's not a lie per say.
but it's not the truth.
"ellie."
"i'm right here."
i want to reach for her.

i don't want to reach for her.
i want cherry.
not cherry.
tayce.
i'm trying to talk.
to speak for real.
i want to speak to someone.

"my car won't work."
my teeth are clenched together.
"i can drive you."
"your tire is torn."
"you're screwed then,"
"you think i don't know that ellie?"
i didn't mean to sound so exasperated.

"sorry rora, i'll take a look at it tomorrow."
"that doesn't help."
"i know that."
"i'm going to call my boss."
"okay, you should visit the girls with me."
"they hate me."
"so do i."

normally this would be easy.
ellie says that stuff all the time.
but i can't right now.
where's tayce when you need her.
"i know." i whisper.
"rory i didn't mean it."
"you always say it."

i trace my fingers over my arms.
drawing flowers with my nails.
daisies.
cherry loves daisies.
i don't know why.
i think daisies are too cheerful.
and clean.

"hey hey aurora."
ellie reaches out and stops my hands.
no one calls me aurora.
"you're making your arms bleed hun."
i look down.
she's right.
the daisies aren't cheerful when they're bloody.

"fuck where does tayce keep plasters?"
"there's some in cherry's backpack."
ellie checks her watch.
it was a birthday gift 6 years ago.
"fuck i have to go soon or i'll miss my train."
she shoves a handful of plasters into my hand.
they're colorful.

"go, i'll be fine ell."
"don't," ellie starts, "don't do anything dumb."
i tap my fingers against my thigh.
over and over and over.
ellie grabs the birthday gifts off the table.
"love you aurora, bye."
"bye ell."

she leaves.
i place the plasters back in cherry's bag.
my arms aren't bleeding too bad.
tayce would lecture me about this.
claim i'll get a flesh eating virus.
tell a story about a kid she babysat who died.
but tayce isn't home.

i go to my room.
there's blood dripping onto my mattress.
it's probably on the floor as well.
cherry's gonna wonder about it.
and i'll make up a story.
a nice one.
not bloodied daisies.