we're just kids

off-kilter

TW: MENTIONED RECREATIONAL DRUG USE + SEMI-GRAPHIC PANIC ATTACK

I lay on my roof, staring up at the sky. The sky at night is pretty. I wish I could dance in the crystal strewn sky. I'm not a good dancer, but I'm pretty sure the stars are.

Ellie is beside me. Or she probably is. I think we were together when we got high. Or got higher. I don't really know, remember is a better word. I think I knew at some point.

Tayce is upstairs. No, no, that's not right. there's no upstairs from the roof. Tayce is downstairs. She's good, she's the nicest out of all of us.

Awhora is in the backyard. Front yard maybe. She's on our trampoline. Awhora loves to sleep outside when it's warm. I'm not sure why. She doesn't sleep through the night either way.

The sky is kind of spinning a lot. Too much. It's not pretty anymore. This isn't nice anymore.
"Fuck Ellie, Ellie fuck I don't like this, this isn't nice anymore." I say loudly. Or not loudly. She doesn't react. I meant to say it loudly. I don't think I did. "Ell Bell this isn't fun I want to go inside" I managed to get it louder this time. I think she heard me this time because she reaches over. Someone has taken my hand. It must be Ellie. Ellie takes my hand.

"Left the window open, just climb down I'll be right behind you."
I manage to get inside. I don't fall. I'm glad I didn't fall. Ellie swings in behind me slamming the window shut. It swings back then slams again. It slams and slams. Like water on water.
"Ellie, fuck, Ell Bell, I hate this,"

"Go to Tayce," Ellie says, she sounds bored. Bored of me. I didn't mean to make her bored of me.

She nudges me towards the stairs. Ladder. Stairs. Ladder-Stairs. I climb-walk down.
The floor is tilting and going in waves underneath me. The waves aren't as pretty as the ocean. The ocean isn't very pretty either.

I manage to stumble my way to Tayce's door. It's not a door. It's a curtain in an empty frame. I practically fall into the empty frame. Like a picture frame. Tayce is like a picture. A painted work of art.

I knock for her to let me in. Or for her to come out. I'll come out and she'll go in. That doesn't sound right. It goes the other way around.

"Tayce, Taycie, please let me in, fuck I...please let me in I don't, help please?" The door opens and Tayce draws me into her arms. Not draws. I'm not a drawing. Drawings are pretty. I'm not.

"Cherry what's up? What's wrong? Are you crying? Shit, why are you crying?" I hadn't realized I'd started crying. I don't think I'm crying. Maybe it's raining. The sky could learn to rain inside.

I press my fingers over my ears. I think somewhere is screaming someone. Or no. Someone, somewhere, that's more right. I wish they wouldn't. It's driving me insane. That's funny. Driving me insane. We all went insane a while ago. No sane person would spend their lives burning themselves from the inside out. Burning. Like fire and sunlight and dreams.

"I'm not having fun anymore," I whisper. Whisper is like the sound the trees make. Trees are like people. People are like angels. That means whispers are like angels.

I pull and twist her shirt in my fingers. Her stained blue shirt is like clean pink taffy.
I'm trying to ground myself. We're on the second floor. There's no ground on the second floor. "Ellie and I were on the roof but I'm not having fun anymore."

"Okay, alright, I'll talk to Ell Bell about it in the morning, do you want to stay the night here?"
I nod and Tayce leads me to her bed. Her bed is nice. Yellowy and soft. Almost like a carpenter bee.

She lays below me. Or no. Beside me. She lays beside me, stroking my hair and kissing any inch of skin she can reach.

That's not true. But it sounds pretty to say. The words are like cotton candy or dandelions. I stare up at her ceiling. It's still all spinning. Round and round. It's like a carousel.

"Tayce," I say through gritted teeth. Gritted and gritty like sand or sugar.

I meant to say more but the rest of the words won't go. They stick like bubblegum around my tongue and throat. Like bubblegum that sticks to her mattress and pulls us down with it.

"Tayce fuck,"

"Breathe for me sunshine, you're okay, everything is gonna be okay," She called me sunshine. Ellie is sunshine. I'm not sunshine. I don't even like the sun.

"I am breathing." I am technically. Shallow halfway breaths. Halfway breaths are like halfway hearts. Halfway hearts are a real thing. Not a metaphor the real sort.

"I know, can you try to breathe deeper for me? Make the air go all the way to the bottom of your lungs if you can," I try to do as she says, but lungs aren't like holes of smoke. They don't fill up good.

I breathe again soon. Properly. The way that Tayce wanted me to breathe. The way smoke breathes.

Tayce is happy again when I do. There's a smile on her face as she dozes off her arms snug around my waist. She's pretty right now. She's pretty when she sleeps. She had pretty eyes even when they're closed.

I used to be good. I used to be good like Tayce. She reminds me of while-ago-Cherry. I'm not really that good anymore. I stopped being being good when diamonds showed up. I like emeralds more than diamonds.

Whenever Tayce and I are together there's something a little bit off. I do really love her, and I know she loves me too. But there's something wobbly when the two of us are together.

We're always thrown just a little bit off-kilter.