Fill My Empty Spaces

Part 4 - Meant To Be?

Gaga raised her head when she saw Michael come walking across the parking lot with a paper bag from the pharmacy in his hand. She pushed the sunglasses up and looked at Ashley. Her legs were tucked under her as she was eating a salad while they waited for him to run his errands.

He put the bag down on the table between the two women, pulled his mask off and gave Gaga a quick kiss. She focused on the bag since she realized what was in it.

"I bought other things as well," he said as if he could read her mind. Ashley squinted at the paparazzi in their car across the street.

"What did I say?" Gaga said and pointed at the bag while she looked at him.

"You're making a big deal out of it. Just go on as usual." Michael shrugged.

Gaga inhaled and stared in front of her. This isn't happening, she thought. It was as if his persistent happiness made her realize that she couldn't just stick her head in the sand.

Every one of her girlfriends knew she was worked up about her period, and she had told him last, which had also upset him of course. If she didn't feel so different, she would've taken the missing period as a sign that she was working too hard or something, but she just knew and Michael constantly reminding her made her feel like she was losing control.

...

Back home it was even more tense as she managed to slam the soft closing cupboards and drawers and refused to talk to him. He decided to take a step back and let her deal with things her own way. He was just happy and of course he understood that her meticulous planning was thrown over board and she just went all in on 'fuck it' instead. Something like she had reacted when the pandemic interrupted all her Chromatica plans and she just fumbled the ball and didn't care to pick it up again.

Michael had taken the things out of the bag and left the test in her bathroom upstairs in one of the drawers so he didn't leave it in plain sight. To him this was massive, and to her it was an obstacle. You can talk about babies and want them, but it might never be the right time. Maybe she never planned to carry her own baby. What did he know. They had never talked about it. But now it had happened and he wanted it to be for real so badly and she just wanted things back to as they were. Which was strange since she always loved a challenge.

...

"Men," Gaga muttered. As soon as you get them involved in anything they decide to take over. She suddenly wished he was a coward who went all shy and insecure and didn't want to deal with any problems, but instead he acted more reasonable than she did. Because it's not he who has to carry the baby, she told herself.

She counted backwards and tried to figure out how and when it could have happened. Of course making sure was a natural step, he was right about that, since she was busy. She had plans and contracts. She counted the days. It seemed impossible that she had missed taking her contraception, but some days were just a blur and a large gap in her calendar. No matter how she counted there were two days missing. Two days. What had she been doing except forgetting her pills?

She just knew in her heart that she would want to keep the baby if it kept growing. Yet there was that 1 % doubt in her head that told her it was a bad idea. She didn't need to pee on some stick to know, since she knew her body so well. Eventually, seeing the two pink lines would make her have to make a decision she wasn't ready for.

"JUST STOP," she shouted at herself. "You're just going over and over the same things in your head and you're always reaching the same conclusion." She sat down on the toilet, then got up again and slammed her hands into the counter.

"What good is fame and money now...?" she whispered, opened the compartment and looked at the bright pink, and not so subtle, pregnancy test. The name of it – 'First response' – as if it was some kind of emergency. Or it would turn into one... soon.

She sighed and looked up at the ceiling as if there was some guidance written up there.

"No more whisky," she said out loud and stared at her own reflection in the mirror. All she could see was the round, puffy face of her teenage self. The heart shaped lips and the fuller upper body. The thick dark hair, covering half her face, the self loath and the disbelief in her eyes.

"Why do you remind me, when it's something so beautiful..." she asked herself. IF she had not missed a day, and Michael's little swimmers still managed to get her pregnant – then maybe it was meant to be.

...