Your Grace - Burak Çelik

CHAPTER 44

"Now, I do want to ask about your recent manic episode," said Dr. Reyhana. "I am interested to know how it came about. You said you went off your medication?" "Yes, I did," said Ayedah. "Is there any particular reason why?" asked the psychiatrist. "And as you and I both know, mania is triggered by an event that causes some emotional turbulence. Was there a particular trigger to the manic episode you experienced recently? Share what you can, we still have some time."

"Well, yes," answered Ayedah after some hesitation. "I had a reason to go off my medication, and there was a cause for the emotional turbulence that triggered my manic episode." "Do you want to share it?" asked Dr. Reyhana. "It is actually what I would like to discuss today," revealed Ayedah. "Just...what's been going on as of recently."

"I am listening," said the psychiatrist. "Please allow yourself the freedom to share whatever you can."

"Well..."

Ayedah was unsure of where to begin, as her mind racked her brain, thinking of what to say and how to start their discussion on the current events. "It started off with a friend," she finally began. "His name is Burak." The psychiatrist nodded, encouraging her continuation.

"He's my colleague. I'm a screenwriter for one of the TV Shows here, and he's an actor," Ayedah said. "So we worked together, and became friends on set.

"I hadn't really made any new friends since I came here from the UK, and he was kind of the first. We got close, and I was surprised with how well we got along. We began to open up more to each other about our backgrounds and lives, and found that we had many similarities- one of them being that we both had rather turbulent pasts, even if his was relating to love and marriage, and mine was about my family. Different issues...but same storm, same pain and trauma."

"Trauma is still trauma," agreed Dr. Reyhana. "Please go on."

"Well, we found comfort in each other's presence, the more time we spent together and the more we got to know each other," continued Ayedah. "And well...I began to develop feelings for him. Romantic feelings. It was the first time I've ever felt romantic feelings toward anyone." "The relationship you had with him is your first experience with love and romance, then?" asked Dr. Reyhana, and Ayedah nodded. "You had not been with or dated any other man before?" "No," confirmed Ayedah. "I haven't. Before him, no."

"So, how did it go?" asked Dr. Reyhana. "Your relationship with Burak. Your friendship that developed into something beyond as such. Did he end up feeling the same feelings for you?" "Yes," answered Ayedah, though she spoke in a rather small voice. "Yes. He had fallen in love with me."

"You do not seem too happy about it," observed Dr. Reyhana. "Is there a reason why?" "Because he is in love with me, but I don't know if I am in love with him," said Ayedah. "I doubt it anyway, no matter how strong my romantic feelings toward him are." "Does he know that you feel this way?" asked Dr. Reyhana. "He does now," said Ayedah. "But not before getting hurt first."

"What happened?" asked the psychiatrist. Ayedah's fingernails dug into the palms of her hands as she inhaled deeply, and continued to speak. "I didn't tell him that I have Bipolar disorder," she revealed. "I had hidden that from him. It was not a problem that I thought so terrible, for I was on medication, with no plans of going off. But one day..."

"I love you."

"One day he told me that he loved me," said Ayedah, feeling her throat tighten at the memory, causing her voice to come out rather hoarse. "And I have to say, it didn't sit well with me, because I believed that I would never be able to be enough to do the same for him. I don't think that I can ever love him." "Why not?" asked Dr. Reyhana. "Well, I have Bipolar, that's already something that can mess it up," chuckled Ayedah grimly, and even Reyhana could not help but give her a sad smile. "But I've never believed that I could love, I've never believed that I can ever feel enough for someone to be able to love them."