𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐳𝐞𝐝 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 ✔︎

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And there it was, a shard of regret.

Perhaps, I had already fought too much for life than presumably I should had. But still,the fight seemed not to end, making me exhausted. My muscles hurted then,as they had tormented much. Maybe more than anything else,I pressurized my physical organs,I compelled them to work for me,to toil day and night. And never let them have rest. So they were shirll, revenging their rage with the pains in my veins. Every night there would be throbbing in my joints,the ligaments and tendons used to feel like breaking and joining by each second passing in the darkness.

All I could afford to do was Ignore. Ignore the pain.

And then happened what it had to. A misty morning,my body was weaker than any time. But I had to bathe Ma as she puked on her cereal in breakfast. Although her body weight was not huge,it took my all strength to make her sit on a chair from the bed. And trolling the chair to the bathroom resonated the irritating cracky sound.
But that day,like a hurricane my head swung. My hands trembled and everything was black after that.

The last thing I saw before blackout was Ma's body,thrown on the floor,her eyes scrunched in pain,helpless words unuttered at the tips of her pale lips.

I don't know how many times the hour hand of the clock rotated. The time was paused for me,a black canvas drawn ahead my eyes and my mind in a deep sleep.

When I woke up,my eyes showed blur. Everything seemed to decay,the tapping sounds of footsteps were heard outside,far from me.

All I could apprehend was chaos,pretty chaos.

Among those chaos,the main tornado was rising in my heart,too bold and too puzzled. My head was heavy, swelling.

I knew it was an unforgivable mistake. A mistake for which I couldn't forgive myself.  The constellation over my head was also cursing me. Why couldn't I afford the strength? Why was it heart crushing to see Ma numbed on the floor? Why did I think she had died?

The thought itself was insensitive. I couldn't be happy to think that. But the unusual relief that seized me was perishing my heart. I cried among sighs of extreme regret.

For me, holding the body was burdening. As I called for help,the next place which came into my vision was hospital, the smell of antiseptics hit my nose. White was way too much around as I took a view of the place with my heavy mind. All blurred vision. As I had recognized hardly,one of the men who was with us was the security guard of the apartment. But the other two were new faces, unrecognizable. They strolled Ma in a stretcher inside an even more white room. I couldn't more make my feet stand on their own. I collapsed on a chair.

Someone handed me water which I took a sip. Everything was a Chaos. Like the unresisting chaos in my mind. The visions were rolling around me, the vast pain in my arm was felt numbed.

All I could think was the mistake of letting down. The mistake of being weak. I cursed my fragile body which might also be cursing me on the other hand.

I knew, consequences would not be favorable for me. After all an unforgivable mistake is indeed unforgivable. The fear kept rhythming with my heartbeat. I waited for a shoulder to lay my head on. But the white wall with blue shades was the only lifeless pedestal I had. So I laid the weight of my body on it,idly.

But where could I lay the heaviness of my heart ?

There was only vacancy, like deep tunnels where I had hoped for a rope to take me up and rescue me from the darkness of I don't know what.

In that darkness,I could hear an echo, ‘I am sorry,Ma. Forgive me. ’