Lady Eilean

Chapter 43

Knowing this was the moment, understanding I had brought us to some sort of precipice, I hesitated. The air was too heavy, my body too light. I floated as the room spun and I choked on my words. "Forget it, it's just something stupid Innis said."

"Out with it," Alex commanded, gripping my hand.

Shaking my head, I looked away. I had failed with him yesterday in the field. I had failed with Wallis by the fire. I would fail again now. Opening and closing my mouth a few times, I was incapable of the speech I yearned to give. The question I was dying to have answered.

"Forget it," I said.

Alex wore a look of battered disappointment like a heavy mask. "Whatever you wish," he said, dropping my hand. Without another word, he pulled up some letters and rifled through them.

It was impossible for me to focus. I could only shuffle the pages of my ledger. Numbers and columns were like smears of heavy black ridicule.

The clock ticked. The fire snickered in the grate. After an agonizing ten minutes, Alex looked up again. I met his gaze.

"I am sorry," he said, picking up the threads of the unfinished discussion.

"I should apologize." The words rushed out of my mouth.

"Eilean, I..." He stopped, shook his head. "I brought you a peace offering." Reaching into his pocket, Alex pulled out a handful of small marzipan candy stars wrapped in paper. "I snuck them from Cook. She is using them on a cake later."

I smiled, letting any awkwardness and resentment go. How long had I known Alex? Trusted him? There was no subtext to his actions. There never had been. I might not have cared if everyone knew that he shared my bed, but he understood the world outside of the protection of Ellesmure. A world where information could be used against me. I took the offered candy and nibbled on it.

"I understand," I said.

He smiled, shrugging off the discomfort of the morning.

"It's so quiet," I said, missing the usual sounds of bustling work, the call of maids and field hands across the grounds.

"If everyone's head feels as bad as mine, then I'd say we're in for an easy afternoon," Alex said, all traces of heaviness gone. He seemed himself again, playful and energetic.

Turning back to my ledgers, the numbers coherent, I promised, "I will check in with the healers later. See what scrapes need patching up."

"I seem to remember someone grousing about the wheat inventory. Is that no longer a priority?" Alex teased.

I laughed, shaking my head. "It will keep."

Eating the rest of my candy, I shuffled through a pile of unanswered letters. I lingered on one from Calum, laughing at it before tossing it atop the others and moving the stack to the corner of the desk.

Alex picked up the letter and scanned it. "Eilean, what is this?" His voice was cold.

"What's what?"

Alex held the letter gingerly, waving it back and forth. Laughing, I grabbed for it.

"Nothing," I answered.

"Were you going to answer it?" His eyes were hard.

Warily, I went on alert. Sensitive to the dramatic shift in his mood. "I had not planned on it."

"And how, exactly, would you have answered this renewed offer of marriage from the noble Laird Grant of Istimere?"

I blinked, stunned. "Are you serious?"