for the tarnished hearts

𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒕𝒆

this one is about a somewhat toxic friendship i wasted almost half my life on. i remember she kept giving me /just/ enough good to forgive the bad, and i really fucking hated it. i even had a crush on her for a bit which further complicated things; made me invest more and more time into what we had, and uh i regret that. 

but it's not like i can go knocking down her door and be like, "hey, give me back all those years i wasted on you... or else." *cue the suspenseful music*

whatever. i'm not very threatening anyway. 

she was also one of the first people to make me question my worth, and i don't know if i'm over it. i should be, but i'm not... um. lol?

-----

every precious minute

i spent on us

refused to fix the damage 

we created:

a bleeding chasm of wounds

(i've kissed with morose lips)

that has since torn completely

into this yawning void 

i've thrown my time down

like it's a sick and twisted

wishing well 

for the concrete-eyed hopeless

(i've sent penny after penny

clinking down

an old parking meter,

but the car itself

remained broken,

its busted engine

exhaling thick smoke,

taking up space

i can't afford.

time can't fix everything, mother.)

every priceless minute

i spent on us

was stolen from my future,

a place so unreal, so hazy

i forgot it existed

(forgot it was sacred,

because you were my past

and my present,

so i assumed you were

my everything, too,

i assumed that what we had

was holier

than what my future

-and its endless possibilities

branching off

in invisible, golden veins-

could ever offer.)

every hopeless minute

i spent on us

melted like false gold

into hours,

then days,

and only after

i stopped pushing

against the ticking hands

did you say,

"we should stop fighting

for something

we've long lost.

we're paying more

than what it once cost

to love."

love,

mari